Francesco Petrarch

Francesco Petrarch wrote this story about his journey to the top of Mount Ventoux. His ascent is a beautiful depiction of life and how taking the easy road may sound pleasant its much more challenging than taking the road that leads straight up the face of the mountain.

Which will we choose?

                                                                     The "valleys"

                                                                    The "Mountain"

Please enjoy the writings of Mr. Petrarch:

At the time fixed we left the house, and by evening reached Malaucene, which lies at the foot of the mountain, to the north. 

Having rested there a day, we finally made the ascent this morning, with no companions except two servants; and a most difficult task it was. The mountain is a very steep and almost inaccessible mass of stony soil. But, as the poet has well said, "Remorseless toil conquers all." 

It was a long day, the air fine. We enjoyed the advantages of vigour of mind and strength and agility of body, and everything else essential to those engaged in such an undertaking and so had no other difficulties to face than those of the region itself. 

We found an old shepherd in one of the mountain dales, who tried, at great length, to dissuade us from the ascent, saying that some fifty years before he had, in the same ardour of youth, reached the summit, but had gotten for his pains nothing except fatigue and regret, and clothes and body torn by the rocks and briars. No one, so far as he or his companions knew, had ever tried the ascent before or after him. 

But his counsels increased rather than diminished our desire to proceed, since youth is suspicious of warnings. 

So the old man, finding that his efforts were in vain, went a little way with us, and pointed out a rough path among the rocks, uttering many admonitions, which he continued to send after us even after we had left him behind. Surrendering to him all such garments or other possessions as might prove burdensome to us, we made ready for the ascent, and started off at a good pace. 

But, as usually happens, fatigue quickly followed upon our excessive exertion, and we soon came to a halt at the top of a certain cliff. Upon starting on again we went more slowly, and I especially advanced along the rocky way with a more deliberate step. 

While my brother chose a direct path straight up the ridge, I weakly took an easier one which really descended. When I was called back, and the right road was shown me, I replied that I hoped to find a better way round on the other side, and that I did not mind going farther if the path were only less steep.

 This was just an excuse for my laziness; and when the others had already reached a considerable height I was still wandering in the valleys. I had failed to find an easier path, and had only increased the distance and difficulty of the ascent. At last I became disgusted with the intricate way I had chosen, and resolved to ascend without more ado. When I reached my brother, who, while waiting for me, had had ample opportunity for rest, I was tired and irritated. 

We walked along together for a time, but hardly had we passed the first spur when I forgot about the circuitous route which I had just tried, and took a lower one again. Once more I followed an easy, roundabout path through winding valleys, only to find myself soon in my old difficulty. I was simply trying to avoid the exertion of the ascent; but no human ingenuity can alter the nature of things, or cause anything to reach a height by going down. Suffice it to say that, much to my vexation and my brother's amusement, I made this same mistake three times or more during a few hours."

Monsieur Petrarch taught us a great lesson during his journey up this mountainside and I always find the story liberating to read as I imagine myself jumping between the two options of taking the easier road or sticking it out and making it to the top of the mountain without causing myself much more grief. 

Sources: http://petrarch.petersadlon.com/read_letters.html?s=pet17.html

My little piece of Faith

I wanted to write some wonderful update that would gladden the hearts of my readers and maybe even bring a little more gratitude into my heart for all that I have in my life. Each time I considered what I could say nothing really profound formed into a beautiful piece of work. 

Last night I was reading Elder Jeffrey R Holland's talk "Broken Things to Mend". He described the battle Peter had as the savior beckoned him to come out to meet him upon the water. As I read his paraphrase of the story I felt like I was Peter and I want to share my experience in Peter's shoes. Please enjoy. 

I stand at the waters edge barely hanging on. My heart is broken, my body is tired, my emotions are spent, and deep inside I feel that every resource I have available to me has been exhausted to keep me a float and moving forward. All to no avail. I cannot find the peace and comfort I seek. 

Into the distance across the choppy white cap waves and blackness of the water I see him standing before me. Still, firm, and unwavering. His hands are outstretched as he beckons to me to take a step out into the cool dark waters of uncertainty. Logically I know I cannot walk upon the water. I will sink and drown but my faith…my faith nudges me a little to consider the blessings of taking a step out into the unknown toward him. 

Just at that moment the waves crash against my little boat and I feel myself swaying back and forth. I fall to my knees pleading for some kind of relief. I turn every direction but no one is there to help me. 

I cry out angrily. “How could you take the things that I love away from me?” 

In my tears I feel the anger building inside and the soft pliability of my heart slowly harden like a cooling piece of molten metal. 

“I can’t trust myself anymore”, I yell. 

I don’t know what to do. 

I feel my soul continuing to break apart sending shooting pains of anguish within my very being. I am tired and broken. 

Back down on my knees with the little piece of strength I have left I look out into the hopeless night again. The waves, still tossing and churning in a sea of turmoil distract me and cause me to question my faith. 

“I can’t walk upon the water.” I yell. 

I feel the tears forming in my eyes again: warm stinging tears. 

“I just can’t do it.” 

Just as my last drop of strength felt as if it were spent I caught site of him again there out within the darkness. Still standing. Still radiating the warmth, peace, and safety I yearn to feel again. Still reaching out beckoning me to come. 

I’ve got to make a choice. Today. Should I come to him or should I stay here and continue on downward into a dismal and hopeless abyss that I will never find relief. 

I call out from the depths of my very soul pleading with him from across the water. 

“Please Lord, show me the way to thee. Guide my feet and give me the strength that I need to faithfully come unto thee across this tumultuous sea. I know thee. I know that you can show me how to find peace again.” 

I so desired to cast my baggage and belongings to the side of my tiny vessel. 

"I don't need them." I thought. 

I so desperately want to give them to him. "Will you take my burdens, my worries, my unsettling emotions, and broken heart? I cannot bare them anymore." 

Feebly I make it out across the water. At his feet I cast on him my every care and fall to my knees. Shaken and weak. I notice the scars marking his feet and when he reaches his hands down to lift me up I feel them in his hands. 

"What is this?" I ask myself. 

Without another thought I realize these marks were for me. 

"I did this for thee." He said. "...that you might not suffer as I have suffered if you would come unto me." "I have often called out to thee to come but you have not come but I have always been here waiting for you." 

Inside I feel the anguish in my soul. The tears start again but these tears are remorseful. They are still warm and salty but do not sting anymore. The venom of my pain is slowly dissipating as I continue to come unto him. 

 I still fight my feelings. I fight everyday as I seek him for the strength to make me whole again. To fill my soul with peace again and trust that he is in control now. Oh my savior. You were always there for me.

Love + Faith = healing a Broken heart

My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago tomorrow and can I tell you it was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

 I know people often use absolutes like that but honestly I can compare it to any number of things such as losing my close grandmother, my dad going in for heart surgery and my grandmother passing away all while I was 6 hours away in a different end of the state with no way to comfort the ones I loved,  being the only member of my family not in the temple when my brother and his wife were sealed to one another, my cat dying, my best friend moving away, the news that I would have to spend 1 ½ more years in St. George before I could move, learning that I didn’t get the job I had so desperately wanted after searching for 6 months, and the list goes on. None of these things compared to what I felt. All I can say is it was the deepest, most bleak, and hopeless feelings of emotional pain my physical body could with stand without breaking.

From this description you might assume that I was pretty serious with this guy and that was not the case. I have pondered on my reaction frequently over the last week.  My only conclusion is that emotionally and therefore physically I was already a bit low (I experience depression every so often) and that physical state coupled with my break up was enough to send me down that painful rode. Nonetheless this post is not about the breakup as much as it is about my healing heart.

I have wanted love for so long that when I finally got the opportunity for it develop my heart soared knowing that finally… oh finally, finally,.. F I N A L L Y  I had the chance. I wanted companionship: someone I could share my hopes, dreams, sorrows, frustruations, and happy moments with. I wanted someone who would be there for me. Who could hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. I know I am not alone in my feelings. I remember going to class where most of the girls are married or dating someone (in my program) feeling like I was one of them. For the first time I was one of those girls (to some degree). Oh, I just couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. The best was those random moments when I remembered I had a boyfriend and not just any boyfriend one I liked and wanted to be with.  Oh the smiles that erupted on my face many times upon that realization.

Now, in contrast I feel like the married wife who desperately wants a child and who with the help of the best medical aide possible as well as lots of praying and fasting cannot have a baby I also feel like the child with a severe peanut butter allergy who can’t be like a normal child at lunch and sit with the other kids because the risk of being exposed to peanuts is too great. Or I feel like the middle aged young woman with a physical or medical problems that make normal life impossible. I feel like I can’t be normal: I can’t have what I so desperately want.  

I remember thinking this and immediately I remembered a talk I had read recently by President Eyring from the October 2012 General Conference titled: “Where is the Pavillion?” President Eyring retells his daughter-in-laws experience with fertility issues and how hard it was for her to be different. She found herself surrounded by reminders of that very think in which she wanted and at times those who had it didn’t even appreciate it or want it.

I want to quote the next part of the story because it is expressed so well by President Eyring: “

Hoping to lift her spirits, her husband invited her to join him on a business trip to California. While he attended meetings, she walked along the beautiful, empty beach. Her heart ready to burst, she prayed aloud. For the first time, she asked not for another child but for a divine errand. “Heavenly Father,” she cried, “I will give you all of my time; please show me how to fill it.” She expressed her willingness to take her family wherever they might be required to go. That prayer produced an unexpected feeling of peace. It did not satisfy her mind’s craving for certainty, but for the first time in years, it calmed her heart.

 Within weeks they were expecting a child but the important message of this story was that she submitted FULLY to heaven’s will and removed the “spiritual pavilion” that was covering her.

I remember thinking that I needed to follow her example and seek to do the will of the Lord. I found comfort in this knowledge. I found myself asking the question: “How can I put the Lord first?” Many things have come to mind: service, prayer, scripture study, attending the temple, visiting teaching, giving my all in my calling in the ward, etc. I felt like I needed to show my heavenly father that I trust him and would be willing to give up things of lesser importance for the things of God. Which for me are the things that will bring me the greatest happiness.

So even though I am still different and surrounded by people experiencing that which I so desperately want I can’t lose hope. I have to choose today what I want for myself tomorrow and by so doing preparing myself and fitting myself so that I will be ready to enjoy the tomorrow that I want.

I am still searching, working, and healing. My journey to my promised land is not over but is ahead of me stretching out for an unknown amount of time but I do know that everything will work out. I do know that the Lord answers prayers and LOVES each and everyone of his children. That includes me, Chelsey, his daughter.

Gotta love me!

Caution: This post is blunt and involves a great deal of self-disclosure but I hope it can help other people get to know me and maybe even themselves better. Here is to hope! :)

 I had a realization today that I feel could be related to exercising and/or gaining a testimony. I have struggled with my weight all of my life. But not until I was in the 7th grade did I realize how much of an issue it was. At that point I decided I needed to take charge and over the next few years into high school I "healthified" myself you could say... well I lost weight if you want to get technical.
         It was one of the hardest periods in my life. Not only was I dealing with the difficulties of adolescence I was trying to change habits and perceptions of myself and others. I think often back on that time of my life and I am so grateful for my hard work and the good habits and perseverance it instilled in me but it did not come without a price. This is the part that I find most revealing about myself and there are times I reflect on it with a great deal of pity. Everyone needs something to motivate them to make changes to whatever degree or magnitude they may be. I was motivated by love or rather a lack of it. I wanted so much to be loved and not from the people you would imagine. I wanted to date, I wanted to feel beautiful, and most of all I just wanted that amazing connection you get with someone of the opposite sex. You know that intellectual and spiritual all encompassing connection where you feel like someone gets you and appreciates the fact that although you are imperfect your imperfections make you who you are. Someone who fosters within you feelings of appreciation and a deep abiding desire to better. Of course I wanted to cuddle and kiss and hold hands but I truly just wanted something I didn't feel I could have without losing weight. Now I know at this point some people might be thinking that my problem was a lack of self-esteem and most likely that was part of it but it wasn't the reason I wanted to change so much.
         I fought myself to change and it took me years but once I reached what I thought I wanted nothing really changed. Yeah, I guess I got the attention I wanted but never did I find that connection I was seeking for. From then on I continued to see myself as a constant challenge to overcome. I had to maintain my weight amid everything else I struggled with in my life over the next few years: college, new jobs, moving away for school, making new friends, health problems that exacerbated my, then present, struggle to stay the same physically, and my more recent battle with finding a job over a 6 month period of time while lacking projects, tasks, and motivation to keep me busy and living. Then came the more interesting part of my life. I learned more about love: I don't remember the specific day but I do remember thinking to myself, "You are amazing, beautiful, and have the potential to inspire other people to live to their fullest potential." Something to that effect anyway. :)
       Don't think that from that day I never struggled again. Trust me I have looked at myself in the mirror and judged my reflection with the most venomous critique wishing I was the weight I used to be and that my pants fit me the way they used to but I didn't stop living just because I had gained weight. I don't like the fact that I could be nearing a double chin and that my pants just don't look as snazzy on as they used to.
      Our society has bred an unobtainable standard of beauty and health. We say that you are moral if you are thin. (I got that from one of my nutrition classes). We face so many obstacles as a society. Among these are economic problems, climate changes that ebb and flow more like the ups and downs of an intense roller coaster, and the current obesity epidemic. Many of these issues are not very well understood because of their complexity. I want people to understand that. I wish they knew that being overweight, obese, and morbidly obese is a complex problem that cannot be treated with a simple dose of diet and exercise.
      I know that my friends are my friends because of who I am, what we are together, and who we help each other become. One of my greatest fears is that people will look at me if I have gained weight and subconsciously think, "Wow! What happened to her? Did she let herself go?" Therefore subconsciously diminishing my value and efficacy as a person.
      Lastly, I can't change what people think of me or how they treat me. I can't change the things that make it hard for me to be who I want to be but I can change what I think of myself. A thought is the first prerequisite to action. Act with purpose and with integrity.

My awesome weekend with Meplissa

I learned how to unicycle this weekend from one of Melissa's friends. He taught us the basics and then let us go and I tell you what unicycling is hard work. My thighs were on fire but it was so fun balancing on one wheel. That is before I actually pedaled. The pedaling was rough work and I kept, as Shawn and Melissa would say, "[I] got scared at the dead zone". That is probably not the most accurate quotation but that is what they said and I am sticking with it. Writing a blog feels a lot like writing in a journal so if my posts sound like I am talking to or laughing at myself I am doing both. Ha-ha. 

Melissa and I also competed in a race on the wii. Ha-ha. The funny part is the whole time I was watching her little guy run. I kept running faster but he wouldn't pick up the pace so I thought it was a problem with the wii mote. Nope, it was just me. Haha. We ran up a storm though. The other competitors didn't know what hit them. That is what happens when you mess with Meplissa and Chelpsey. 

Oh and Melissa's mom made some of the most delicious meals: tomato soup (homemade) and chicken pot pie. Whoa! I had to cook dinner for myself tonight and opted not to because I couldn't live up to her  delicious food. :) 

Hopefully photos will be posted later.

Walk too far

           I was doing a little reading this morning and came across a story that motivated me to make another goal. I have heard from a few people that walking to the Temple is too far or walking to the University is way too far.
        Those opinions combined with the idea to increase my speed so it takes me less time to walk the same distance I am going to walk to these destinations that have been dubbed "too far".
        That being said. I have made a small list and would love some continued suggestions. Everyone needs something to motivate them and challenge them to achieve and this already has me wanting to put my walking shoes on and get out there! :)

1- The temple
2- Utah State University
3- My friend Chuck's house
4- Macey's
5- Casper's Ice Cream
6- Pepperidge Farm

                                  Essentials for Operation "Walk too far"

I hope to post photos of this adventure along the way.

It works for me

I decided I need to exercise much more than I do currently. This happened about 2 weeks ago. On this day I stumbled upon a webpage article suggesting one way to lose weight was walk 5 extra miles a day. I liked this idea because it gave me a goal I could set for myself everyday that I didn't loathe even when I was tired. So I found a destination for myself that totaled 5 miles somewhere in town and I went to work. From that day until today I have walked on average 6 miles a day in addition to whatever exercise I do and can I tell you how good it feels!
The reason I mention this event in my life at all is because it was something that worked for me. I find doing jumping jacks during the commercial breaks of my favorite tv show or jogging in place while waiting for my soup to heat up on the stove were silly and unrealistic for me. I had to find something I could stick with and I did. On the days I don't go to the gym, dance, bike ride, or whatever I decide to do I get my 5+ miles in and it motivates me to make good choices throughout my day.
Find something that works for you. I promise that if you do you will never look back regretfully.