I wanted to write some wonderful update that would gladden the hearts of my readers and maybe even bring a little more gratitude into my heart for all that I have in my life. Each time I considered what I could say nothing really profound formed into a beautiful piece of work.
Last night I was reading Elder Jeffrey R Holland's talk "Broken Things to Mend". He described the battle Peter had as the savior beckoned him to come out to meet him upon the water. As I read his paraphrase of the story I felt like I was Peter and I want to share my experience in Peter's shoes. Please enjoy.
I stand at the waters edge barely hanging on. My heart is
broken, my body is tired, my emotions are spent, and deep inside I feel that
every resource I have available to me has been exhausted to keep me a float and
moving forward. All to no avail. I cannot find the peace and comfort I seek.
Into
the distance across the choppy white cap waves and blackness of the water I see
him standing before me. Still, firm, and unwavering. His hands are outstretched
as he beckons to me to take a step out into the cool dark waters of
uncertainty. Logically I know I cannot walk upon the water. I will sink and
drown but my faith…my faith nudges me a little to consider the blessings of
taking a step out into the unknown toward him.
Just at that moment the waves
crash against my little boat and I feel myself swaying back and forth. I fall
to my knees pleading for some kind of relief. I turn every direction but no one is there to help me.
I cry out angrily. “How could you take the things
that I love away from me?”
In my tears I feel the anger building inside and the
soft pliability of my heart slowly harden like a cooling piece of molten metal.
“I can’t trust myself anymore”, I yell.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel my soul
continuing to break apart sending shooting pains of anguish within my very
being. I am tired and broken.
Back down on my knees with the little piece of
strength I have left I look out into the hopeless night again. The waves, still
tossing and churning in a sea of turmoil distract me and cause me to question
my faith.
“I can’t walk upon the water.” I yell.
I feel the tears forming in my
eyes again: warm stinging tears.
“I just can’t do it.”
Just as my last drop of
strength felt as if it were spent I caught site of him again there out within
the darkness. Still standing. Still radiating the warmth, peace, and safety I
yearn to feel again. Still reaching out beckoning me to come.
I’ve got to make
a choice. Today. Should I come to him or should I stay here and continue on downward
into a dismal and hopeless abyss that I will never find relief.
I call out from
the depths of my very soul pleading with him from across the water.
“Please
Lord, show me the way to thee. Guide my feet and give me the strength that I
need to faithfully come unto thee across this tumultuous sea. I know thee. I know that you can show me how to find peace again.”
I so desired to cast my baggage and belongings to the side of my tiny vessel.
"I don't need them." I thought.
I so desperately want to give them to him. "Will you take my burdens, my worries, my unsettling emotions, and broken heart? I cannot bare them anymore."
Feebly I make it out across the water. At his feet I cast on him my every care and fall to my knees. Shaken and weak. I notice the scars marking his feet and when he reaches his hands down to lift me up I feel them in his hands.
"What is this?" I ask myself.
Without another thought I realize these marks were for me.
"I did this for thee." He said. "...that you might not suffer as I have suffered if you would come unto me." "I have often called out to thee to come but you have not come but I have always been here waiting for you."
Inside I feel the anguish in my soul. The tears start again but these tears are remorseful. They are still warm and salty but do not sting anymore. The venom of my pain is slowly dissipating as I continue to come unto him.
I still fight my feelings. I fight everyday as I seek him for the strength to make me whole again. To fill my soul with peace again and trust that he is in control now. Oh my savior. You were always there for me.
