"Why can't I walk away from my regrets... my past surrounds me like a house I can not afford but you say come with me, don't live there anymore." -- Gentle Savior by Daniel Beck.
I heard those words and reflected on the past year and a half of my life. It has been a true challenge for me in so many ways from the emotional to the physical. I have talked about it a bit on this blog and I hope that those that have had an opportunity to re-live my experiences will feel of my love for my Heavenly Father and my Savior. In the midst of my pain and my broken and aching heart they were ALWAYS there. Never have I been able to see the Lord's kindness so abundant in my life as I have over this past year and as much as I have hated how much it hurt to experience for so long I wouldn't take back any of it.
This leads me to the purpose of this post today. I am going to be very candid but I feel like in my sincerity someone will find hope and comfort in my message. I was dating this guy last year in the early Spring. I loved him with all of my heart. Words do not honestly express the depth of the love that I have for that man. We both decided we wanted to get married. Through the natural flow of our relationship it just seemed right. We prayed about it. I received my answer so tenderly that my decision to marry this incredible man was right for me.
In my excitement I forgot that life doesn't go the way that we plan... ever. We planned to attend the temple the next tuesday (after I received my answer). I was excited because we were going to get married and all he needed to do was get his answer.
He was very quiet that morning in an unusual way. He picked me up from my apartment and something was not right. It was tangible in the air and I became very scared. He quietly asked me how I was and how my morning had gone. I responded nervously as he continued to drive down the road.
He pulled the car to the side of the rode and turned to me with a look of anguish, tears streaming down his cheeks. He then proceeded to tell me he received his answer. I could feel the sorrow in his voice as he said he felt it wasn't right for him to marry me.
At that moment I wanted to run away. My dream of becoming his wife and creating a family together dashed into pieces with his words. Helpless, I felt myself turn every which way I could trying to find relief from my shattering world. There was nothing I could do.
I was about to ask him to take me home but I decided we need to go to the temple, inside I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe I would find some answer there, so we did.
The whole experience was painful, I am sure it was for both of us. I remember holding his hand not wanting to let go as tears cascaded down his cheeks. I pondered on the expression of those tears many months after this happened. The time we spent in that sacred building that day was stressful but at the same time perfect for what we were experiencing.
I stood in the dressing room pleading with the Lord to let me keep him in my life. I would do anything he asked if he would just let me keep him. I wept.
I walked out of that beautiful sacred building holding the hand of the man I loved knowing, that I would never hold his hand again. At least not like that. I loved holding his hand. I never completely understood why but it was something I remember wanting to do since our 3rd date. He was home to me, especially when I was in his arms. He held me that day in the parking lot as I convulsed with emotion, tears erupting from my eyes displacing my eyeliner and mascara. Even though it wasn't right for us to marry, in that moment he held me, so tightly even when I tried to pull away hoping for relief from the pain. I knew he loved me and that made it even harder for me to let go... to let go of those dreams. ...to let go of him.
For a moment I was angry: "How could God take the man I loved away form me!" This man understood me, he was so kind and gentle, he connected with me on a level no other man had ever been able to before. I took a moment staring out across the parking lot as I clutched his hand wishing it was all a dream. My Heavenly Father had NEVER let me down. He knew things I did not know and I knew that if I trusted him and chose to follow him that it would be okay. In that moment I made a pivotal decision that has transformed the way I look at choosing to follow God. In this moment I needed to trust him even when it meant I would lose the love of my life and what felt like hope.
Months went by and I still ached for and longed to be with that man again. I prayed, fasted, sought direction in the scriptures, and the words of the prophets. I found peace and direction but the aching and longing never ceased to leave my heart. He and I continued to be friends and I struggled. I struggled with every fiber of my being to be "okay".
Sometimes I could do it and sometimes I just broke down. I wondered if things would ever change. "Would I ever be whole again? Love again? Was my faith enough to believe that things would be okay one day?" Over time my life took me many different places but I still continued to ache for the "other half of my heart".
During the months that followed I learned so much about myself and love. I learned what it was to actually love someone and let them go. I learned how to love and even how to allow others to love me. I often wondered in the back of my mind that of all the things he could've asked me to endure this was what he chose? I soon realized it was because this thing meant so much to me that it was the perfect situation to teach me and he has and continues to do so.
During the last few weeks I felt something changing in my life. Today, as I listened to that song I referenced at the beginning I wept tears of gratitude for my Heavenly Father and his son, my Savior.
"Why can't I walk away from my [lost dreams and wishes]... my past surrounds me like a house I can not afford but you say come with me, don't live there anymore." -- Gentle Savior by Daniel Beck.
Somehow when I changed those words this line applied to me. I honestly don't know why now things are changing but they are. I find the aching comes some times to haunt me but does not stay to torment me as it used to. I still struggle. I still wish, at times, we could be together but in the grand scheme of things I know that the plan my Heavenly Father has set for me is glorious and wonderful. Just like this past year and a half, I wouldn't trade a future trusting God for a life living those lost dreams. Only if it was part of his plan.
Here is a link to that song. Its beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8NF6X9cRzw
