Saturday, January 10, 2015

Remember the Sunlight and the Rain

I wrote this poem a while ago and I found it tonight. I thought it was beautiful. Please enjoy.

Remember the sunlight and the rain

The rain falls but not forever. I always break through. My light reflects in every drop as it’s falling from the sky.

Remember me when your heartaches for a reason only you know.

When you awake startled by the cold, turning over only to be reminded they aren’t coming home.

Remember me when you feel alone.

Or when your efforts aren’t enough; when your hard work seems to fail you.

Remember me when you hear those breaks screeching; the smell of burning rubber fills the air.

When your prayers for him to change you, to make you better seems to go unanswered.

Remember me when you are crying, heartbreaking, soul shaking.

Remember me and all your pain

I was there when you were aching
When your world was in a blur
Every emotion, every feeling
Breaking, breaking, breaking
You may not remember but I was there
I was there holding you tight even when you felt you could not see my light
You wondered for a moment how I could do this
You know me. You know my word, my peace, and you know my love.
I promise you that one loss so great may feel like everything now but remember…
Remember the sunlight and the rain..

My love was there each and every day after.
I brought you peace
I brought you direction
I taught you how to hear me.
I helped you see how strong you were
I helped you open your heart again.

Every pain, every sorrow breaks you

But I will make you whole, I will heal you, and you will live again.
Now remember me and all your pain.

Remember me; 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Its about time

I have not written a post on my blog that I felt was truly "blog worthy" in quite awhile. Today I was sitting in my comfy red chair in my bedroom listening to my lovely sunday music when one of my favorite songs started to play. The first time I heard this song I cried because it was just so beautiful: the words, tune, and the male vocalist's voice were just enchanting. I remember thinking that as I listened to  the words this morning.

"Why can't I walk away from my regrets... my past surrounds me like a house I can not afford but you say come with me, don't live there anymore." -- Gentle Savior by Daniel Beck.

I heard those words and reflected on the past year and a half of my life. It has been a true challenge for me in so many ways from the emotional to the physical. I have talked about it a bit on this blog and I hope that those that have had an opportunity to re-live my experiences will feel of my love for my Heavenly Father and my Savior. In the midst of my pain and my broken and aching heart they were ALWAYS there. Never have I been able to see the Lord's kindness so abundant in my life as I have over this past year and as much as I have hated how much it hurt to experience for so long I wouldn't take back any of it.

This leads me to the purpose of this post today. I am going to be very candid but I feel like in my sincerity someone will find hope and comfort in my message. I was dating this guy last year in the early Spring. I loved him with all of my heart. Words do not honestly express the depth of the love that I have for that man. We both decided we wanted to get married. Through the natural flow of our relationship it just seemed right. We prayed about it. I received my answer so tenderly that my decision to marry this incredible man was right for me.

In my excitement I forgot that life doesn't go the way that we plan... ever. We planned to attend the temple the next tuesday (after I received my answer). I was excited because we were going to get married and all he needed to do was get his answer.

He was very quiet that morning in an unusual way. He picked me up from my apartment and something was not right. It was tangible in the air and I became very scared. He quietly asked me how I was and how my morning had gone. I responded nervously as he continued to drive down the road.

He pulled the car to the side of the rode and turned to me with a look of anguish, tears streaming down his cheeks. He then proceeded to tell me he received his answer. I could feel the sorrow in his voice as he said he felt it wasn't right for him to marry me.

At that moment I wanted to run away. My dream of becoming his wife and creating a family together dashed into pieces with his words. Helpless, I felt myself turn every which way I could trying to find relief from my shattering world. There was nothing I could do.

I was about to ask him to take me home but I decided we need to go to the temple, inside I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe I would find some answer there, so we did.

The whole experience was painful, I am sure it was for both of us. I remember holding his hand not wanting to let go as tears cascaded down his cheeks. I pondered on the expression of those tears many months after this happened. The time we spent in that sacred building that day was stressful but at the same time perfect for what we were experiencing.

I stood in the dressing room pleading with the Lord to let me keep him in my life. I would do anything he asked if he would just let me keep him. I wept.

I walked out of that beautiful sacred building holding the hand of the man I loved knowing, that I would never hold his hand again. At least not like that. I loved holding his hand. I never completely understood why but it was something I remember wanting to do since our 3rd date. He was home to me, especially when I was in his arms. He held me that day in the parking lot as I convulsed with emotion, tears erupting from my eyes displacing my eyeliner and mascara. Even though it wasn't right for us to marry, in that moment he held me, so tightly even when I tried to pull away hoping for relief from the pain. I knew he loved me and that made it even harder for me to let go... to let go of those dreams. let go of him.

For a moment I was angry: "How could God take the man I loved away form me!" This man understood me, he was so kind and gentle, he connected with me on a level no other man had ever been able to before. I took a moment staring out across the parking lot as I clutched his hand wishing it was all a dream.  My Heavenly Father had NEVER let me down. He knew things I did not know and I knew that if I trusted him and chose to follow him that it would be okay. In that moment I made a pivotal decision that has transformed the way I look at choosing to follow God. In this moment I needed to trust him even when it meant I would lose the love of my life and what felt like hope.

Months went by and I still ached for and longed to be with that man again. I prayed, fasted, sought direction in the scriptures, and the words of the prophets. I found peace and direction but the aching and longing never ceased to leave my heart. He and I continued to be friends and I struggled. I struggled with every fiber of my being to be "okay".

Sometimes I could do it and sometimes I just broke down. I wondered if things would ever change. "Would I ever be whole again? Love again? Was my faith enough to believe that things would be okay one day?" Over time my life took me many different places but I still continued to ache for the "other half of my heart".

During the months that followed I learned so much about myself and love. I learned what it was to actually love someone and let them go. I learned how to love and even how to allow others to love me. I often wondered in the back of my mind that of all the things he could've asked me to endure this was what he chose? I soon realized it was because this thing meant so much to me that it was the perfect situation to teach me and he has and continues to do so.

During the last few weeks I felt something changing in my life. Today, as I listened to that song I referenced at the beginning I wept tears of gratitude for my Heavenly Father and his son, my Savior.

"Why can't I walk away from my [lost dreams and wishes]... my past surrounds me like a house I can not afford but you say come with me, don't live there anymore." -- Gentle Savior by Daniel Beck.

Somehow when I changed those words this line applied to me. I honestly don't know why now things are changing but they are. I find the aching comes some times to haunt me but does not stay to torment me as it used to. I still struggle. I still wish, at times, we could be together but in the grand scheme of things I know that the plan my Heavenly Father has set for me is glorious and wonderful. Just like this past year and a half, I wouldn't trade a future trusting God for a life living those lost dreams. Only if it was part of his plan.

Here is a link to that song. Its beautiful.

Saturday, March 15, 2014

A long time ago there lived a young princess. She met a charming young man with strong ambition and an enchanting sparkle in his eyes. She grew to love him not because of his charm but because of his heart. Then one day it all needed as if nature did not agree with their love. For a very long time she wondered why. Not why it happened but why it hurt when he wasn't there. Her heart had healed so did she ache? One day she realize what had happened. "When you love someone." She said. "You give them a piece of your heart. No matter where you go you are tied to them by your hearts. If they are gone your heart knows and you feel it as a deep aching pain. But, if by chance you can touch them or be near them you feel it then too. Your heart is telling you, you are home. That is because you are. That piece of your heart that belongs to them knows you are near and knows you are home. Much like a loyal dog to their owner. Your heart longs to be whole and complete. The aching and feeling of being home is is way of letting you know it is incomplete without that piece and will always be unless your hearts remain knit together as one."

Life doesn't follow these rules therefore this provides room for a great deal of learning: how to handle loss that will never be filled. We learn to endure, to be humble, and to trust that even though we feel incomplete that doesn't mean we can't continue to live life.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

My sunlight, water, and soil

I have spent an exceedingly large amount of time thinking about the most recent trial of my life that I am still recovering from. I recently received the book Hard Times and Holy Places by Kristin Warner Belcher. The gift was definitely a tender mercy. In this book she relates her life experience with retinoblastoma. The cancer that ended up taking her site in her middle age. She talked about her questioning why God would have her go through so much pain repeatedly throughout her life. Sometimes, just like many of us she did not have the strength in herself to continue to move forward. During these times she did what she had to and that was relying on the power of the atonement. Through the Savior’s atonement we can bare our burdens. All of them whether they take us to the breaking point and beyond. He is there. Why would he ask her to suffer through something that would break her completely? She wondered this and now I find myself wondering the same thing.

Last night I was in tears. Complete tears as I drove my car around my usual route as I prayed aloud to my Heavenly Father with tears streaming down my face and confusion in my voice. I was pleading once again for his help. I had nowhere else to turn. No one else knew the answers, at least noone else but him. During this time I asked him why. Why had he asked me to trust him completely, more than he had ever asked me to trust him? My heart had healed and yet again he had asked me to trust him with no tangible evidence that my trust wasn’t in vain. I was hurting and I know he knew it. He has been there with me every step of the way but despite that he still asks me to suffer something that would break me. I hope you understand what I mean when I say break. It is more than merely snapping a twig apart it is the dismantling of your heart piece by piece.

This morning I pondered once more on my predicament as I arose from my bed not wanting to feel what I hoped my sleep would wash away. But from that pain I was caused to wonder why it was that of all the things he could ask me to suffer it was the one thing that would hurt me the most. I know that sounds cruel. It sounds inhumanely cruel to bestow upon your child a challenge, the one challenge that exploits the deepest desires and treasures of their heart. Knowing that it will break them to pieces. I think it is because this is the only way to make me grow. To grow into something that, as I experienced, my heart breaking apart was the sunlight, water, and soil to my growth and rise to something greater than I am.

What I am saying is there is a purpose. There is always a purpose. If we can remember that we are truly his children I believe that we can find what we need in him to move forward and with the aide of the atonement heal.

I read a blog this evening that got me thinking. Our trials, in this situation my most difficult trial, is/are meant to bring us to Christ. I wonder why? Why is it so important that we come unto Christ? What will coming unto Christ do to us and for us? He doesn’t need us to come unto him. We need it. So here I am leaving you with that thought for the day. 

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

The Aerial View

I have been pondering on this topic for quite some time now and I have a few thoughts I think the readers of my blog and others could benefit from.
First of all:
Today I was reading through my travel journal when I read an entry that impressed a truth upon my mind. The Lord uses experiences to teach us. Sometimes we get so caught up in the details of the experience that we neglect the opportunity to step back and allow God to help us see the bigger picture. For when he does we see that the things that were so significant and permanent were not as significant as they seemed and that their permanence was actually temporary and changing based on us and our growth.
What I mean is that each step we take in our life and each thing we face has a purpose and sometimes that purpose can be found not by looking at the details but by stepping back and looking at the whole picture. Like we would when we are looking at the aerial view of a corn maze. Most often there is a design and a plan for how it is to be built. When we are in the midst of the maze we can only see the walls and other things we are facing. At those times I think we can become so absorbed into these distractions that we can’t see the big picture.
Sometimes we have to let go of things so that we can see the big picture. Sometimes we have to walk by faith completely trusting that he will help us to see the bigger picture. I know he will. He always does. I love that statement “always”.  Always doesn’t mean immediately or in the time frame we want but I promise that he does when the timing is right. At that moment it will be the right moment.

Second of all:
I read this beautiful scripture tonight that I feel goes very well along with the theme of this post:

2 Ne. 15: 12-13.
12)” ….but they regard not the work of the Lord, neither consider the operation of his hands.
13) Therefore, my people are gone into captivity, because they have no knowledge; and their honorable men are famished, and their multitude dried up with thirst.”

This scripture taught me that the work of the Lord really is important. His work involves his children and that includes us. I love it when we get that burning feeling deep in our hearts to stand up and do something to further the work of the Lord. Maybe that would be speaking up, helping someone, listening, etc. These are simple things but powerful actions. Let us go out and do something!
The other part of this scripture helped me remember the power knowledge especially that which we gain through studying the scriptures, words of the prophets, pondering, and praying on what we have read and receiving a confirmation that those things we have studied, pondered, and prayed over are true. Life even teaches spiritual things. Through these things we gain spiritual knowledge that keeps us from captivity and allows us to blossom and grow within the gospel. We are so blessed. So very blessed!

Friday, September 27, 2013

I can see the sunrise

            The beginning of the week began with tears and anxiety. Everything in my life was hard. Everything. Everywhere I turned I faced a challenged that required every bit of me. I felt like I was drowning. I wept many times on my bedroom floor from the very depths of my soul. (This is definitely not the first time I have done that this year). I couldn't do it by myself and I repeated those words in prayer constantly.
Monday started early and was filled with so many tasks to complete and difficulties to face that I wondered how in the world I was going to do it. I felt like I didn't want to even try but I decided I must continue to move forward so I did the best I could. Words can't describe what anxiety I felt. I wanted to understand my accounting homework and I wasn't. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't. I asked my brothers and my friends for help and their efforts were sufficient but  my confidence in my abilities to do well in this class were floundering. On top of that I had a test in this class on Friday that I HAD to do well on. Just when I thought that was enough my frustration with men and dating dropped itself onto the dead weight already laden upon my shoulders.
I have wanted to be free for so long and I felt like no matter how hard I tried that freedom was withheld from me. Then just when I least expected it these frustrations slapped me in the face. I cried, I think it was the timing and the stress I had recently put on myself that made the situation such a painful one. At this point I didn't know what to do. My brain hurt, my body hurt, and my emotions battered what was left of me. Thankfully a friend, whom I love and feel so blessed to have in my life, listened to me and gave me the encouragement I needed to keep moving forward with the mounting difficulties about me. She understood what I felt.

As the week progressed I continued to move forward like a live tree carrying the heavy weight of dead limbs as I continued to try to live. My faith in my Heavenly Father and in his plan for me buoyed me up and kept me afloat.

The whole reason I tell this story is because today I took my accounting exam. The event that caused me so much anxiety and pain had finally passed and I feel good about it. I look back on everything I have experienced this past week and feel like a mountain climber who has finally reached the summit of Everest. My pain and difficulty were not in vain and now I can see the beautiful sunrise within the wispy white clouds of the morning. I endured and I feel the conquerer and better for my efforts. It is not what we face that makes us stronger it is the journey that we endure that cultivates and builds such strength. Never have faced a trial head on and said "Oh well that was fun I think I should do it again." But neither have we looked back in regret that we came so far and accomplished so much. We are who we are and where we are because of what we have endured. This is right where we need to be.

I have a testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and I know that if we endure well (with our hearts to the best of our efforts) the difficulties of life we will be blessed. I feel that one of the greatest blessings is what we become as a result. As it always is.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Simply said: there shall not be room enough to receive it.

I was reading a message I wrote to my friend the week after my ex and I broke up. 

I traveled back into my mind to the Sunday following what happened. I was in my parents bedroom. 
The room was new because they had torn down the wall that separated my old room from the hallway and made it into their room and transitioned their old bedroom into a study. 
I had just run in there to tell my dad that he had sent me a text saying it was over but he still needed time to think over things. 
I remember just breaking into pieces. As if my whole world was crashing down into pieces. I was sitting in this chair up against the wall as my father gave me the most tender of blessings.
 I felt the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. 
I look back now and think “How could I have been even briefly angry at my heavenly father for taking him away as I had felt the day he told me he didn’t feel right about marrying me.” 
I had gotten ready for church and was all dressed up pretty so of course my mascara ended up on my dad’s white church shirt as he held me while I cried.
 Thinking of this makes me think of one of my fondest memories of him and its alarming to think its one of my favorite because it is the day that he told me he didn’t feel right about marrying me. 
We had both wept intermittently throughout the day over the whole thing and it was my turn to cry. We were standing in the temple parking lot outside of his car on the passenger side. I was having a hard time accepting his answer and I just kept saying, “Heavenly Father doesn’t give contradicting answers.”
 I then cried from the very depths of my soul because I knew that the man I loved was no longer in my life. 
Then being the amazing man he was he wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly while I cried. 
Then when I wanted to pull away because it hurt so much to feel the empty hopeless pain of loss I felt he pulled me closer. I know that my mascara was all over my face and now on his shirt but the very fact that he cared enough about me to pull me closer when I wanted to get away means so much to me. 
He knew I needed him and at that time it was okay for him to be there for me and not let go and the only thing I can say now is that I still love him and will for the rest of my life and that is okay...that is love. The opportunity I had to have his life intertwined with mine for a few months is a gift. He made mistakes yes, he broke my heart twice- yes, he sometimes was selfish- yes,  but in the end I was blessed with the opportunity to love someone with all of my heart. How blessed am I to know what that feels like!? So blessed and so grateful. 

Tender mercies, blessings, gifts, etc. You call them what you wish are all around us. Making life more tolerable and challenging at times. I love what President Monson called them: "Memories bring June roses in the Decembers of our lives." I would hope that we each seek to see these things in our lives and acknowledge them. The very act of recognition does something to our souls that cannot be done otherwise. Be grateful. Just do it.