Rebirth

Since, well, I think as long as I can remember I have worried about my weight and for good reason. When I was younger I was overweight and not healthy. My teenage years began with an awakening that I remember looking at myself in a photo at Christmas and thought, “Is that me?!” I was appalled at what I saw. Then came the feelings. The real motivation behind why I wanted to lose weight. I did not FEEL loved. My family was great and my parents were loving but I wasn’t feeling loved. I felt like if I lost weight a guy would make me feel loved. (When I think of this young woman now my heartaches first her SO much). Thus I embarked on a weight loss journey. Thankfully my mother was a dietitian and encouraged me to eat healthier (she gave good examples) and exercise. The exercise part I took a little overboard but as a teen I was just beginning to really understand these things. At one point, very short stint, I was over exercising. Thankfully I came to my senses and found a nice balance with gym class, track, and at home exercise. I lost the weight and thought, “okay, now I can be loved or find love.” I was attractive, I guess and guys wanted to date me but I still wasn’t finding love and feeling loved. Fast forward for a moment to the present day. I started going to therapy/counseling about 7 months ago. In about February/March of 2019 I started experiencing panic attacks and then a medication reaction to help with the panic ended up giving me anxiety ALL the time. I tried medication but I knew there was more to what was going on and medication was a band aid for what I was going through. So after a few attempts I finally found the right counselor for me. We stared EMDR and all hell broke loose. I went from constant anxiety to constant panic ALL the time and it only got worse. We didn’t return to EMDR for about a month and a half but during that tine we were working on my anxiety management skills. I still remember going to work somedays falling apart. I hurt SO much from the panic that my mind turned to suicidal thoughts at times which only scared me more. I felt like I was in Hell. That is what I would think hell would be like. My soul felt so much anguish. I had been praying this whole tine. Actually maybe I should’ve started with that. Prayer is a part of my soul. I talk to Heavenly Father every single day kind of like I talk to my own dad. I tell him everything and ask for what I need. He has rarely disappointed me. During this time I found myself pleading for help. I begged him to take the pain away. I begged him to bring me peace. I remember sobbing so many times on my knees asking him why?! I felt like someone whom I loved with all my heart and trusted wasn’t listening. I felt like the heavens were closed. I would like add for just a moment that these same feelings I had felt for one particular area in my life my whole life: my weight. As the years progressed my metabolism did weird things that left me feeling so different from everyone else. I wanted to be able to enjoy food and exercise and eat like normal people but I felt so limited. I felt broken. I also pleaded with him constantly to take that away to heal me so I could be like other people. I never felt like he answered me. Then one day January in 2019 I was at work sobbing about this very problem. I got angry at Heavenly Father. I told him if you won’t answer me I wasn’t going to talk to him again. If you know me very well you would know that wouldnt last very long. Then I remember distinctly in my mind like someone had opened a door for just a moment and said (pretty much) “be patient and keep doing what you are doing.” And then shut the door. I felt HORRIBLE! I had been acting like a child. I knew it but not until that moment didn’t I realize it to that extent. Fast forward back to the month and a half of panic. I wanted him to answer just as badly then as I had before and felt he wasn’t listening. I knew in my heart he loved me but I was hurting SO much that I just wanted him to help me. I just needed a reprieve from it all. I
Still remember my husband’s birthday. I was aching and the suicidal thoughts were scaring me and I was still feeling so lost and helpless. I remember going to dinner with his mom and sister and my daughter and putting on a face and acting like I was okay. Underneath my laughter and smiles I was cowering in fear and praying for relief. Medication wasn’t helping and there was also my fear of the side effects from my previous experience. But one day before my counseling session I prayed. I prayed once again with ALL my heart that today would be a pivotal session. That I would start feeling better. I didn’t feel Any different then any of my previous prayers. I went to my session and finally did EMDR again and just balled. There was SO much pain and sadness from parts of my life that just came out during the session. That evening I felt like my panic was still pressing so firmly on my soul and wearing me down even more but then the morning came and I felt some relief. The constant panic was all but gone. I sobbed and held my breathe. That day was only the beginning. Through many more sessions, pondering and processing outside sessions, and practicing the skills I was learning I found a little more relief. Not until December when my daughter got sick with 3 colds back to back and of course I also caught her cold did things change. I was so I overwhelmed. I had the flu earlier in the year and went to the ER twice because I felt like I was having difficulty breathing. Everyone kept telling me I was saturating fine. But I felt like I was drowning in my own mucus. So when I got the cold I froze and cried. I have allergies and a condition called non-allergic rhinitis that I take medication for but can’t fully treat because steroids make my anxiety worse and make me depressed. I am kind of quite the physiological balancing act. My nasal passages are ALWAYS inflamed, congested, and I dripping (yuck!) I was afraid since this isn’t controlled things would be bad like before. I felt so helpless with my anxiety/panic and my body that I didn’t know what I would do. During this time I did a lot of thinking and in therapy we addressed the weight issues I had struggled with for years. I mentioned how pretty much every memory I have from the age of 12 until now is tainted with worries about my weight and feeling different because I couldn’t eat like everyone else. I know that is not a big deal but I felt like I was drowning, yet again, in my need to feel whole. I guess the best way to describe it was like a cavern. On the surface all of my memories were good, sad, angry, etc but just below the surface was this pain. Pain because I just wanted to be healed so I could stop worrying stop thinking about food and exercise and how I hated exercise because I had taught myself from experience that it was punishment. I could pause here for a moment because I think of the things I told myself over the years: “if you don’t exercise you haven’t earned the need to shower. I challenged that stupid thought and now enjoy showering... that is one of many I am embarrassed about. I hope people don’t judge me for that. But, if you do I hope you know I also don’t care. :) I also learned that from counseling! Anyway, back to my story. We were doing EMDR on this during therapy and one night while I was getting ready for bed I looked in the mirror and Thought to myself, “Chelsey, you ARE beautiful.” I really meant it to. Something in my sessions and pondering had broken this connection I had created in my brain with my weight and my value. I believed that if I gained weight I would lose value because I would lose the love and attention and people would judge me because well... I am a dietitian. I should be the example of health and wellness. But not anymore. People make judgements everyday about people and things. Sometimes they are basic and sometimes they are cruel but we do it everyday. The most important part is that I don’t let others judgements of me affect me like that anymore. Yeah, I am a dietitian and I am not slender but I sure as heck enjoy my life, love my self, and I try to be an example of a real person: imperfections, mistakes, weakness, and all. Oh and of health and wellness from a balanced perspective... a complete perspective. All those years when I thought he was being silent, that he wasn’t listening to me or rather was showing me he heard me, he was actually working on me. He didn’t take my metabolic problems away, my body image views, my panic, or my pain. He was there in his own way. My beautiful daughter has given me so much love especially during my month and a half of hell. He sent me her so that I could know just how much he loved me. Her laugh, her smile, her cuddles, her cute dances, and all the things she does to show me she loves me we’re his way of saying, “ I love you and despite all the pain you go through I am ALWAYS here. You wanted me to take your weight struggles away, your metabolic issues, and your panic but I wanted something better. You had to go through ALL of that so that you could learn just how beautiful you are and strong you are. I know, it’s mushy and sounds silly. But I think about that everyday. He gave me peace. I still struggle with anxiety and sometimes it gets bad but right now I enjoy the peace of mind that my weight has nothing to do with my value. My memories from now on are not tainted with those negative feelings. I really do feel joy in my life even amid the struggles and I find light even in the darkness because of HIM.

My birth story... 2 years later

My birth story. It’s been two years since my daughter was born and I honestly didn’t want to share my story. It’s been a difficult 2 years due to emerging anxiety and a panic disorder that have thrown my life upside. But can I tell you that God was turning my life upside, breaking it all down, and bringing me low so that he could bring me to a much better place. That story is for another day and would probably be as long. Today here is my birth story: 

My baby had a condition called vasa previa. Pretty much if I went into labor my baby could bleed out in a matter of seconds and die. I was 36 weeks pregnant to the day. We went to get NST at the maternal fetal medicine doctors office because I work in a hospital and the Friday before I was working the the NICU (I float all over as a dietitian). I noticed my baby want kicking off moving as much and it scared me. I did all the recommended things so I told my co-worker I was just going to walk over to labor and delivery and see what they say. They recommended I walk upstairs to maternal fetal medicine because they wouldn’t charge as much as they would in labor and delivery. They said they would call them and let them know I was coming. I got an NST done and all was okay. My doctor wanted me to get NST tests done twice a week until delivery at 37 weeks. So that Monday when I went in I was just expecting the same thing. My blood pressure was a little high but not concerning and my baby was moving. Later that day my OB called and said that the maternal fetal medicine doctor reviewed my chart and testing and called her to inform she had to deliver my baby that week because of the vasa previa. We scheduled a c-section on Wednesday because she was also breech AND because vaginal delivery was not safe for my baby. (I was pleased. I have other things going on with my physiology that I didn’t want to mess with during a vaginal delivery.) she told me I needed to get betamethasone shorts at the hospital that night and Tuesday to stimulate my daughters lungs to develop more. I went in and was hanging out in triage waiting for the shot when they got my vitals. At first my BP was a little high. Then it shot up to 160 and then 172. She called my doctor and they tried a few different things with the same result. I have them a urine sample and my OB said we were doing an emergency c-section to deliver her that might because they didn’t want to mess with the vasa previa. They found out I had pre-eclampsia that was developing into HELLP syndrome. I was jaded. I worked in a NICU and a hospital and my mind just thought, “huh, I have heard about that and how rare it is.” I strangely thought it was cool until I realized how life threatening it was. My baby was delivered and she had congenital pneumonia and was transported via helicopter to a NICU nearby. I was also on magnesium and I literally don’t remember that entire day. I just felt so out of it. I returned to the ER 3 days after discharge due to difficulty breathing and feeling like I was dying. Thankfully the question was never asked who do you want us to save. This experience Solidified my faith in God. I had been praying the whole pregnancy for the best outcome for us both and the sequence of events saved both our lives. I honestly don’t know what would’ve happened if we hadn’t gone in that Monday and had that doctor tell my doctor to deliver the baby that week. :)

Remember the Sunlight and the Rain

I wrote this poem a while ago and I found it tonight. I thought it was beautiful. Please enjoy.

Remember the sunlight and the rain

The rain falls but not forever. I always break through. My light reflects in every drop as it’s falling from the sky.

Remember me when your heartaches for a reason only you know.

When you awake startled by the cold, turning over only to be reminded they aren’t coming home.

Remember me when you feel alone.

Or when your efforts aren’t enough; when your hard work seems to fail you.

Remember me when you hear those breaks screeching; the smell of burning rubber fills the air.

When your prayers for him to change you, to make you better seems to go unanswered.

Remember me when you are crying, heartbreaking, soul shaking.

Remember me and all your pain

I was there when you were aching

When your world was in a blur

Every emotion, every feeling

Breaking, breaking, breaking

You may not remember but I was there

I was there holding you tight even when you felt you could not see my light

You wondered for a moment how I could do this

You know me. You know my word, my peace, and you know my love.

I promise you that one loss so great may feel like everything now but remember…

Remember the sunlight and the rain..

My love was there each and every day after.

I brought you peace

I brought you direction

I taught you how to hear me.

I helped you see how strong you were

I helped you open your heart again.

Every pain, every sorrow breaks you

But I will make you whole, I will heal you, and you will live again.

Now remember me and all your pain.

Remember me; 

I ROSE AGAIN.

Its about time

I have not written a post on my blog that I felt was truly "blog worthy" in quite awhile. Today I was sitting in my comfy red chair in my bedroom listening to my lovely sunday music when one of my favorite songs started to play. The first time I heard this song I cried because it was just so beautiful: the words, tune, and the male vocalist's voice were just enchanting. I remember thinking that as I listened to  the words this morning.

"Why can't I walk away from my regrets... my past surrounds me like a house I can not afford but you say come with me, don't live there anymore." -- Gentle Savior by Daniel Beck.

I heard those words and reflected on the past year and a half of my life. It has been a true challenge for me in so many ways from the emotional to the physical. I have talked about it a bit on this blog and I hope that those that have had an opportunity to re-live my experiences will feel of my love for my Heavenly Father and my Savior. In the midst of my pain and my broken and aching heart they were ALWAYS there. Never have I been able to see the Lord's kindness so abundant in my life as I have over this past year and as much as I have hated how much it hurt to experience for so long I wouldn't take back any of it.

This leads me to the purpose of this post today. I am going to be very candid but I feel like in my sincerity someone will find hope and comfort in my message. I was dating this guy last year in the early Spring. I loved him with all of my heart. Words do not honestly express the depth of the love that I have for that man. We both decided we wanted to get married. Through the natural flow of our relationship it just seemed right. We prayed about it. I received my answer so tenderly that my decision to marry this incredible man was right for me.

In my excitement I forgot that life doesn't go the way that we plan... ever. We planned to attend the temple the next tuesday (after I received my answer). I was excited because we were going to get married and all he needed to do was get his answer.

He was very quiet that morning in an unusual way. He picked me up from my apartment and something was not right. It was tangible in the air and I became very scared. He quietly asked me how I was and how my morning had gone. I responded nervously as he continued to drive down the road.

He pulled the car to the side of the rode and turned to me with a look of anguish, tears streaming down his cheeks. He then proceeded to tell me he received his answer. I could feel the sorrow in his voice as he said he felt it wasn't right for him to marry me.

At that moment I wanted to run away. My dream of becoming his wife and creating a family together dashed into pieces with his words. Helpless, I felt myself turn every which way I could trying to find relief from my shattering world. There was nothing I could do.

I was about to ask him to take me home but I decided we need to go to the temple, inside I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe I would find some answer there, so we did.

The whole experience was painful, I am sure it was for both of us. I remember holding his hand not wanting to let go as tears cascaded down his cheeks. I pondered on the expression of those tears many months after this happened. The time we spent in that sacred building that day was stressful but at the same time perfect for what we were experiencing.

I stood in the dressing room pleading with the Lord to let me keep him in my life. I would do anything he asked if he would just let me keep him. I wept.

I walked out of that beautiful sacred building holding the hand of the man I loved knowing, that I would never hold his hand again. At least not like that. I loved holding his hand. I never completely understood why but it was something I remember wanting to do since our 3rd date. He was home to me, especially when I was in his arms. He held me that day in the parking lot as I convulsed with emotion, tears erupting from my eyes displacing my eyeliner and mascara. Even though it wasn't right for us to marry, in that moment he held me, so tightly even when I tried to pull away hoping for relief from the pain. I knew he loved me and that made it even harder for me to let go... to let go of those dreams. ...to let go of him.

For a moment I was angry: "How could God take the man I loved away form me!" This man understood me, he was so kind and gentle, he connected with me on a level no other man had ever been able to before. I took a moment staring out across the parking lot as I clutched his hand wishing it was all a dream.  My Heavenly Father had NEVER let me down. He knew things I did not know and I knew that if I trusted him and chose to follow him that it would be okay. In that moment I made a pivotal decision that has transformed the way I look at choosing to follow God. In this moment I needed to trust him even when it meant I would lose the love of my life and what felt like hope.

Months went by and I still ached for and longed to be with that man again. I prayed, fasted, sought direction in the scriptures, and the words of the prophets. I found peace and direction but the aching and longing never ceased to leave my heart. He and I continued to be friends and I struggled. I struggled with every fiber of my being to be "okay".

Sometimes I could do it and sometimes I just broke down. I wondered if things would ever change. "Would I ever be whole again? Love again? Was my faith enough to believe that things would be okay one day?" Over time my life took me many different places but I still continued to ache for the "other half of my heart".

During the months that followed I learned so much about myself and love. I learned what it was to actually love someone and let them go. I learned how to love and even how to allow others to love me. I often wondered in the back of my mind that of all the things he could've asked me to endure this was what he chose? I soon realized it was because this thing meant so much to me that it was the perfect situation to teach me and he has and continues to do so.

During the last few weeks I felt something changing in my life. Today, as I listened to that song I referenced at the beginning I wept tears of gratitude for my Heavenly Father and his son, my Savior.

"Why can't I walk away from my [lost dreams and wishes]... my past surrounds me like a house I can not afford but you say come with me, don't live there anymore." -- Gentle Savior by Daniel Beck.

Somehow when I changed those words this line applied to me. I honestly don't know why now things are changing but they are. I find the aching comes some times to haunt me but does not stay to torment me as it used to. I still struggle. I still wish, at times, we could be together but in the grand scheme of things I know that the plan my Heavenly Father has set for me is glorious and wonderful. Just like this past year and a half, I wouldn't trade a future trusting God for a life living those lost dreams. Only if it was part of his plan.

Here is a link to that song. Its beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8NF6X9cRzw

A long time ago there lived a young princess. She met a charming young man with strong ambition and an enchanting sparkle in his eyes. She grew to love him not because of his charm but because of his heart. Then one day it all needed as if nature did not agree with their love. For a very long time she wondered why. Not why it happened but why it hurt when he wasn't there. Her heart had healed so did she ache? One day she realize what had happened. "When you love someone." She said. "You give them a piece of your heart. No matter where you go you are tied to them by your hearts. If they are gone your heart knows and you feel it as a deep aching pain. But, if by chance you can touch them or be near them you feel it then too. Your heart is telling you, you are home. That is because you are. That piece of your heart that belongs to them knows you are near and knows you are home. Much like a loyal dog to their owner. Your heart longs to be whole and complete. The aching and feeling of being home is is way of letting you know it is incomplete without that piece and will always be unless your hearts remain knit together as one."

Life doesn't follow these rules therefore this provides room for a great deal of learning: how to handle loss that will never be filled. We learn to endure, to be humble, and to trust that even though we feel incomplete that doesn't mean we can't continue to live life.

My sunlight, water, and soil

I have spent an exceedingly large amount of time thinking about the most recent trial of my life that I am still recovering from. I recently received the book Hard Times and Holy Places by Kristin Warner Belcher. The gift was definitely a tender mercy. In this book she relates her life experience with retinoblastoma. The cancer that ended up taking her site in her middle age. She talked about her questioning why God would have her go through so much pain repeatedly throughout her life. Sometimes, just like many of us she did not have the strength in herself to continue to move forward. During these times she did what she had to and that was relying on the power of the atonement. Through the Savior’s atonement we can bare our burdens. All of them whether they take us to the breaking point and beyond. He is there. Why would he ask her to suffer through something that would break her completely? She wondered this and now I find myself wondering the same thing.

Last night I was in tears. Complete tears as I drove my car around my usual route as I prayed aloud to my Heavenly Father with tears streaming down my face and confusion in my voice. I was pleading once again for his help. I had nowhere else to turn. No one else knew the answers, at least noone else but him. During this time I asked him why. Why had he asked me to trust him completely, more than he had ever asked me to trust him? My heart had healed and yet again he had asked me to trust him with no tangible evidence that my trust wasn’t in vain. I was hurting and I know he knew it. He has been there with me every step of the way but despite that he still asks me to suffer something that would break me. I hope you understand what I mean when I say break. It is more than merely snapping a twig apart it is the dismantling of your heart piece by piece.

This morning I pondered once more on my predicament as I arose from my bed not wanting to feel what I hoped my sleep would wash away. But from that pain I was caused to wonder why it was that of all the things he could ask me to suffer it was the one thing that would hurt me the most. I know that sounds cruel. It sounds inhumanely cruel to bestow upon your child a challenge, the one challenge that exploits the deepest desires and treasures of their heart. Knowing that it will break them to pieces. I think it is because this is the only way to make me grow. To grow into something that, as I experienced, my heart breaking apart was the sunlight, water, and soil to my growth and rise to something greater than I am.

What I am saying is there is a purpose. There is always a purpose. If we can remember that we are truly his children I believe that we can find what we need in him to move forward and with the aide of the atonement heal.

I read a blog this evening that got me thinking. Our trials, in this situation my most difficult trial, is/are meant to bring us to Christ. I wonder why? Why is it so important that we come unto Christ? What will coming unto Christ do to us and for us? He doesn’t need us to come unto him. We need it. So here I am leaving you with that thought for the day. 

The Aerial View

I have been pondering on this topic for quite some time now and I have a few thoughts I think the readers of my blog and others could benefit from.

First of all:

Today I was reading through my travel journal when I read an entry that impressed a truth upon my mind. The Lord uses experiences to teach us. Sometimes we get so caught up in the details of the experience that we neglect the opportunity to step back and allow God to help us see the bigger picture. For when he does we see that the things that were so significant and permanent were not as significant as they seemed and that their permanence was actually temporary and changing based on us and our growth.

What I mean is that each step we take in our life and each thing we face has a purpose and sometimes that purpose can be found not by looking at the details but by stepping back and looking at the whole picture. Like we would when we are looking at the aerial view of a corn maze. Most often there is a design and a plan for how it is to be built. When we are in the midst of the maze we can only see the walls and other things we are facing. At those times I think we can become so absorbed into these distractions that we can’t see the big picture.

Sometimes we have to let go of things so that we can see the big picture. Sometimes we have to walk by faith completely trusting that he will help us to see the bigger picture. I know he will. He always does. I love that statement “always”.  Always doesn’t mean immediately or in the time frame we want but I promise that he does when the timing is right. At that moment it will be the right moment.

Second of all:

I read this beautiful scripture tonight that I feel goes very well along with the theme of this post:

2 Ne. 15: 12-13.

12)” ….but they regard not the work of the Lord, neither consider the operation of his hands.

13) Therefore, my people are gone into captivity, because they have no knowledge; and their honorable men are famished, and their multitude dried up with thirst.”

This scripture taught me that the work of the Lord really is important. His work involves his children and that includes us. I love it when we get that burning feeling deep in our hearts to stand up and do something to further the work of the Lord. Maybe that would be speaking up, helping someone, listening, etc. These are simple things but powerful actions. Let us go out and do something!

The other part of this scripture helped me remember the power knowledge especially that which we gain through studying the scriptures, words of the prophets, pondering, and praying on what we have read and receiving a confirmation that those things we have studied, pondered, and prayed over are true. Life even teaches spiritual things. Through these things we gain spiritual knowledge that keeps us from captivity and allows us to blossom and grow within the gospel. We are so blessed. So very blessed!