Rebirth

Since, well, I think as long as I can remember I have worried about my weight and for good reason. When I was younger I was overweight and not healthy. My teenage years began with an awakening that I remember looking at myself in a photo at Christmas and thought, “Is that me?!” I was appalled at what I saw. Then came the feelings. The real motivation behind why I wanted to lose weight. I did not FEEL loved. My family was great and my parents were loving but I wasn’t feeling loved. I felt like if I lost weight a guy would make me feel loved. (When I think of this young woman now my heartaches first her SO much). Thus I embarked on a weight loss journey. Thankfully my mother was a dietitian and encouraged me to eat healthier (she gave good examples) and exercise. The exercise part I took a little overboard but as a teen I was just beginning to really understand these things. At one point, very short stint, I was over exercising. Thankfully I came to my senses and found a nice balance with gym class, track, and at home exercise. I lost the weight and thought, “okay, now I can be loved or find love.” I was attractive, I guess and guys wanted to date me but I still wasn’t finding love and feeling loved. Fast forward for a moment to the present day. I started going to therapy/counseling about 7 months ago. In about February/March of 2019 I started experiencing panic attacks and then a medication reaction to help with the panic ended up giving me anxiety ALL the time. I tried medication but I knew there was more to what was going on and medication was a band aid for what I was going through. So after a few attempts I finally found the right counselor for me. We stared EMDR and all hell broke loose. I went from constant anxiety to constant panic ALL the time and it only got worse. We didn’t return to EMDR for about a month and a half but during that tine we were working on my anxiety management skills. I still remember going to work somedays falling apart. I hurt SO much from the panic that my mind turned to suicidal thoughts at times which only scared me more. I felt like I was in Hell. That is what I would think hell would be like. My soul felt so much anguish. I had been praying this whole tine. Actually maybe I should’ve started with that. Prayer is a part of my soul. I talk to Heavenly Father every single day kind of like I talk to my own dad. I tell him everything and ask for what I need. He has rarely disappointed me. During this time I found myself pleading for help. I begged him to take the pain away. I begged him to bring me peace. I remember sobbing so many times on my knees asking him why?! I felt like someone whom I loved with all my heart and trusted wasn’t listening. I felt like the heavens were closed. I would like add for just a moment that these same feelings I had felt for one particular area in my life my whole life: my weight. As the years progressed my metabolism did weird things that left me feeling so different from everyone else. I wanted to be able to enjoy food and exercise and eat like normal people but I felt so limited. I felt broken. I also pleaded with him constantly to take that away to heal me so I could be like other people. I never felt like he answered me. Then one day January in 2019 I was at work sobbing about this very problem. I got angry at Heavenly Father. I told him if you won’t answer me I wasn’t going to talk to him again. If you know me very well you would know that wouldnt last very long. Then I remember distinctly in my mind like someone had opened a door for just a moment and said (pretty much) “be patient and keep doing what you are doing.” And then shut the door. I felt HORRIBLE! I had been acting like a child. I knew it but not until that moment didn’t I realize it to that extent. Fast forward back to the month and a half of panic. I wanted him to answer just as badly then as I had before and felt he wasn’t listening. I knew in my heart he loved me but I was hurting SO much that I just wanted him to help me. I just needed a reprieve from it all. I
Still remember my husband’s birthday. I was aching and the suicidal thoughts were scaring me and I was still feeling so lost and helpless. I remember going to dinner with his mom and sister and my daughter and putting on a face and acting like I was okay. Underneath my laughter and smiles I was cowering in fear and praying for relief. Medication wasn’t helping and there was also my fear of the side effects from my previous experience. But one day before my counseling session I prayed. I prayed once again with ALL my heart that today would be a pivotal session. That I would start feeling better. I didn’t feel Any different then any of my previous prayers. I went to my session and finally did EMDR again and just balled. There was SO much pain and sadness from parts of my life that just came out during the session. That evening I felt like my panic was still pressing so firmly on my soul and wearing me down even more but then the morning came and I felt some relief. The constant panic was all but gone. I sobbed and held my breathe. That day was only the beginning. Through many more sessions, pondering and processing outside sessions, and practicing the skills I was learning I found a little more relief. Not until December when my daughter got sick with 3 colds back to back and of course I also caught her cold did things change. I was so I overwhelmed. I had the flu earlier in the year and went to the ER twice because I felt like I was having difficulty breathing. Everyone kept telling me I was saturating fine. But I felt like I was drowning in my own mucus. So when I got the cold I froze and cried. I have allergies and a condition called non-allergic rhinitis that I take medication for but can’t fully treat because steroids make my anxiety worse and make me depressed. I am kind of quite the physiological balancing act. My nasal passages are ALWAYS inflamed, congested, and I dripping (yuck!) I was afraid since this isn’t controlled things would be bad like before. I felt so helpless with my anxiety/panic and my body that I didn’t know what I would do. During this time I did a lot of thinking and in therapy we addressed the weight issues I had struggled with for years. I mentioned how pretty much every memory I have from the age of 12 until now is tainted with worries about my weight and feeling different because I couldn’t eat like everyone else. I know that is not a big deal but I felt like I was drowning, yet again, in my need to feel whole. I guess the best way to describe it was like a cavern. On the surface all of my memories were good, sad, angry, etc but just below the surface was this pain. Pain because I just wanted to be healed so I could stop worrying stop thinking about food and exercise and how I hated exercise because I had taught myself from experience that it was punishment. I could pause here for a moment because I think of the things I told myself over the years: “if you don’t exercise you haven’t earned the need to shower. I challenged that stupid thought and now enjoy showering... that is one of many I am embarrassed about. I hope people don’t judge me for that. But, if you do I hope you know I also don’t care. :) I also learned that from counseling! Anyway, back to my story. We were doing EMDR on this during therapy and one night while I was getting ready for bed I looked in the mirror and Thought to myself, “Chelsey, you ARE beautiful.” I really meant it to. Something in my sessions and pondering had broken this connection I had created in my brain with my weight and my value. I believed that if I gained weight I would lose value because I would lose the love and attention and people would judge me because well... I am a dietitian. I should be the example of health and wellness. But not anymore. People make judgements everyday about people and things. Sometimes they are basic and sometimes they are cruel but we do it everyday. The most important part is that I don’t let others judgements of me affect me like that anymore. Yeah, I am a dietitian and I am not slender but I sure as heck enjoy my life, love my self, and I try to be an example of a real person: imperfections, mistakes, weakness, and all. Oh and of health and wellness from a balanced perspective... a complete perspective. All those years when I thought he was being silent, that he wasn’t listening to me or rather was showing me he heard me, he was actually working on me. He didn’t take my metabolic problems away, my body image views, my panic, or my pain. He was there in his own way. My beautiful daughter has given me so much love especially during my month and a half of hell. He sent me her so that I could know just how much he loved me. Her laugh, her smile, her cuddles, her cute dances, and all the things she does to show me she loves me we’re his way of saying, “ I love you and despite all the pain you go through I am ALWAYS here. You wanted me to take your weight struggles away, your metabolic issues, and your panic but I wanted something better. You had to go through ALL of that so that you could learn just how beautiful you are and strong you are. I know, it’s mushy and sounds silly. But I think about that everyday. He gave me peace. I still struggle with anxiety and sometimes it gets bad but right now I enjoy the peace of mind that my weight has nothing to do with my value. My memories from now on are not tainted with those negative feelings. I really do feel joy in my life even amid the struggles and I find light even in the darkness because of HIM.

My birth story... 2 years later

My birth story. It’s been two years since my daughter was born and I honestly didn’t want to share my story. It’s been a difficult 2 years due to emerging anxiety and a panic disorder that have thrown my life upside. But can I tell you that God was turning my life upside, breaking it all down, and bringing me low so that he could bring me to a much better place. That story is for another day and would probably be as long. Today here is my birth story: 

My baby had a condition called vasa previa. Pretty much if I went into labor my baby could bleed out in a matter of seconds and die. I was 36 weeks pregnant to the day. We went to get NST at the maternal fetal medicine doctors office because I work in a hospital and the Friday before I was working the the NICU (I float all over as a dietitian). I noticed my baby want kicking off moving as much and it scared me. I did all the recommended things so I told my co-worker I was just going to walk over to labor and delivery and see what they say. They recommended I walk upstairs to maternal fetal medicine because they wouldn’t charge as much as they would in labor and delivery. They said they would call them and let them know I was coming. I got an NST done and all was okay. My doctor wanted me to get NST tests done twice a week until delivery at 37 weeks. So that Monday when I went in I was just expecting the same thing. My blood pressure was a little high but not concerning and my baby was moving. Later that day my OB called and said that the maternal fetal medicine doctor reviewed my chart and testing and called her to inform she had to deliver my baby that week because of the vasa previa. We scheduled a c-section on Wednesday because she was also breech AND because vaginal delivery was not safe for my baby. (I was pleased. I have other things going on with my physiology that I didn’t want to mess with during a vaginal delivery.) she told me I needed to get betamethasone shorts at the hospital that night and Tuesday to stimulate my daughters lungs to develop more. I went in and was hanging out in triage waiting for the shot when they got my vitals. At first my BP was a little high. Then it shot up to 160 and then 172. She called my doctor and they tried a few different things with the same result. I have them a urine sample and my OB said we were doing an emergency c-section to deliver her that might because they didn’t want to mess with the vasa previa. They found out I had pre-eclampsia that was developing into HELLP syndrome. I was jaded. I worked in a NICU and a hospital and my mind just thought, “huh, I have heard about that and how rare it is.” I strangely thought it was cool until I realized how life threatening it was. My baby was delivered and she had congenital pneumonia and was transported via helicopter to a NICU nearby. I was also on magnesium and I literally don’t remember that entire day. I just felt so out of it. I returned to the ER 3 days after discharge due to difficulty breathing and feeling like I was dying. Thankfully the question was never asked who do you want us to save. This experience Solidified my faith in God. I had been praying the whole pregnancy for the best outcome for us both and the sequence of events saved both our lives. I honestly don’t know what would’ve happened if we hadn’t gone in that Monday and had that doctor tell my doctor to deliver the baby that week. :)