The Aerial View

I have been pondering on this topic for quite some time now and I have a few thoughts I think the readers of my blog and others could benefit from.

First of all:

Today I was reading through my travel journal when I read an entry that impressed a truth upon my mind. The Lord uses experiences to teach us. Sometimes we get so caught up in the details of the experience that we neglect the opportunity to step back and allow God to help us see the bigger picture. For when he does we see that the things that were so significant and permanent were not as significant as they seemed and that their permanence was actually temporary and changing based on us and our growth.

What I mean is that each step we take in our life and each thing we face has a purpose and sometimes that purpose can be found not by looking at the details but by stepping back and looking at the whole picture. Like we would when we are looking at the aerial view of a corn maze. Most often there is a design and a plan for how it is to be built. When we are in the midst of the maze we can only see the walls and other things we are facing. At those times I think we can become so absorbed into these distractions that we can’t see the big picture.

Sometimes we have to let go of things so that we can see the big picture. Sometimes we have to walk by faith completely trusting that he will help us to see the bigger picture. I know he will. He always does. I love that statement “always”.  Always doesn’t mean immediately or in the time frame we want but I promise that he does when the timing is right. At that moment it will be the right moment.

Second of all:

I read this beautiful scripture tonight that I feel goes very well along with the theme of this post:

2 Ne. 15: 12-13.

12)” ….but they regard not the work of the Lord, neither consider the operation of his hands.

13) Therefore, my people are gone into captivity, because they have no knowledge; and their honorable men are famished, and their multitude dried up with thirst.”

This scripture taught me that the work of the Lord really is important. His work involves his children and that includes us. I love it when we get that burning feeling deep in our hearts to stand up and do something to further the work of the Lord. Maybe that would be speaking up, helping someone, listening, etc. These are simple things but powerful actions. Let us go out and do something!

The other part of this scripture helped me remember the power knowledge especially that which we gain through studying the scriptures, words of the prophets, pondering, and praying on what we have read and receiving a confirmation that those things we have studied, pondered, and prayed over are true. Life even teaches spiritual things. Through these things we gain spiritual knowledge that keeps us from captivity and allows us to blossom and grow within the gospel. We are so blessed. So very blessed!

I can see the sunrise

            The beginning of the week began with tears and anxiety. Everything in my life was hard. Everything. Everywhere I turned I faced a challenged that required every bit of me. I felt like I was drowning. I wept many times on my bedroom floor from the very depths of my soul. (This is definitely not the first time I have done that this year). I couldn't do it by myself and I repeated those words in prayer constantly.
Monday started early and was filled with so many tasks to complete and difficulties to face that I wondered how in the world I was going to do it. I felt like I didn't want to even try but I decided I must continue to move forward so I did the best I could. Words can't describe what anxiety I felt. I wanted to understand my accounting homework and I wasn't. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't. I asked my brothers and my friends for help and their efforts were sufficient but  my confidence in my abilities to do well in this class were floundering. On top of that I had a test in this class on Friday that I HAD to do well on. Just when I thought that was enough my frustration with men and dating dropped itself onto the dead weight already laden upon my shoulders.
I have wanted to be free for so long and I felt like no matter how hard I tried that freedom was withheld from me. Then just when I least expected it these frustrations slapped me in the face. I cried, I think it was the timing and the stress I had recently put on myself that made the situation such a painful one. At this point I didn't know what to do. My brain hurt, my body hurt, and my emotions battered what was left of me. Thankfully a friend, whom I love and feel so blessed to have in my life, listened to me and gave me the encouragement I needed to keep moving forward with the mounting difficulties about me. She understood what I felt.

As the week progressed I continued to move forward like a live tree carrying the heavy weight of dead limbs as I continued to try to live. My faith in my Heavenly Father and in his plan for me buoyed me up and kept me afloat.

The whole reason I tell this story is because today I took my accounting exam. The event that caused me so much anxiety and pain had finally passed and I feel good about it. I look back on everything I have experienced this past week and feel like a mountain climber who has finally reached the summit of Everest. My pain and difficulty were not in vain and now I can see the beautiful sunrise within the wispy white clouds of the morning. I endured and I feel the conquerer and better for my efforts. It is not what we face that makes us stronger it is the journey that we endure that cultivates and builds such strength. Never have faced a trial head on and said "Oh well that was fun I think I should do it again." But neither have we looked back in regret that we came so far and accomplished so much. We are who we are and where we are because of what we have endured. This is right where we need to be.

I have a testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and I know that if we endure well (with our hearts to the best of our efforts) the difficulties of life we will be blessed. I feel that one of the greatest blessings is what we become as a result. As it always is.

Simply said: there shall not be room enough to receive it.

I was reading a message I wrote to my friend the week after my ex and I broke up. 

I traveled back into my mind to the Sunday following what happened. I was in my parents bedroom. 

The room was new because they had torn down the wall that separated my old room from the hallway and made it into their room and transitioned their old bedroom into a study. 

I had just run in there to tell my dad that he had sent me a text saying it was over but he still needed time to think over things. 

I remember just breaking into pieces. As if my whole world was crashing down into pieces. I was sitting in this chair up against the wall as my father gave me the most tender of blessings.

 I felt the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. 

I look back now and think “How could I have been even briefly angry at my heavenly father for taking him away as I had felt the day he told me he didn’t feel right about marrying me.” 

I had gotten ready for church and was all dressed up pretty so of course my mascara ended up on my dad’s white church shirt as he held me while I cried.

 Thinking of this makes me think of one of my fondest memories of him and its alarming to think its one of my favorite because it is the day that he told me he didn’t feel right about marrying me. 

We had both wept intermittently throughout the day over the whole thing and it was my turn to cry. We were standing in the temple parking lot outside of his car on the passenger side. I was having a hard time accepting his answer and I just kept saying, “Heavenly Father doesn’t give contradicting answers.”

 I then cried from the very depths of my soul because I knew that the man I loved was no longer in my life. 

Then being the amazing man he was he wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly while I cried. 

Then when I wanted to pull away because it hurt so much to feel the empty hopeless pain of loss I felt he pulled me closer. I know that my mascara was all over my face and now on his shirt but the very fact that he cared enough about me to pull me closer when I wanted to get away means so much to me. 

He knew I needed him and at that time it was okay for him to be there for me and not let go and the only thing I can say now is that I still love him and will for the rest of my life and that is okay...that is love. The opportunity I had to have his life intertwined with mine for a few months is a gift. He made mistakes yes, he broke my heart twice- yes, he sometimes was selfish- yes,  but in the end I was blessed with the opportunity to love someone with all of my heart. How blessed am I to know what that feels like!? So blessed and so grateful. 

Tender mercies, blessings, gifts, etc. You call them what you wish are all around us. Making life more tolerable and challenging at times. I love what President Monson called them: "Memories bring June roses in the Decembers of our lives." I would hope that we each seek to see these things in our lives and acknowledge them. The very act of recognition does something to our souls that cannot be done otherwise. Be grateful. Just do it.

Francesco Petrarch

Francesco Petrarch wrote this story about his journey to the top of Mount Ventoux. His ascent is a beautiful depiction of life and how taking the easy road may sound pleasant its much more challenging than taking the road that leads straight up the face of the mountain.

Which will we choose?

                                                                     The "valleys"

                                                                    The "Mountain"

Please enjoy the writings of Mr. Petrarch:

At the time fixed we left the house, and by evening reached Malaucene, which lies at the foot of the mountain, to the north. 

Having rested there a day, we finally made the ascent this morning, with no companions except two servants; and a most difficult task it was. The mountain is a very steep and almost inaccessible mass of stony soil. But, as the poet has well said, "Remorseless toil conquers all." 

It was a long day, the air fine. We enjoyed the advantages of vigour of mind and strength and agility of body, and everything else essential to those engaged in such an undertaking and so had no other difficulties to face than those of the region itself. 

We found an old shepherd in one of the mountain dales, who tried, at great length, to dissuade us from the ascent, saying that some fifty years before he had, in the same ardour of youth, reached the summit, but had gotten for his pains nothing except fatigue and regret, and clothes and body torn by the rocks and briars. No one, so far as he or his companions knew, had ever tried the ascent before or after him. 

But his counsels increased rather than diminished our desire to proceed, since youth is suspicious of warnings. 

So the old man, finding that his efforts were in vain, went a little way with us, and pointed out a rough path among the rocks, uttering many admonitions, which he continued to send after us even after we had left him behind. Surrendering to him all such garments or other possessions as might prove burdensome to us, we made ready for the ascent, and started off at a good pace. 

But, as usually happens, fatigue quickly followed upon our excessive exertion, and we soon came to a halt at the top of a certain cliff. Upon starting on again we went more slowly, and I especially advanced along the rocky way with a more deliberate step. 

While my brother chose a direct path straight up the ridge, I weakly took an easier one which really descended. When I was called back, and the right road was shown me, I replied that I hoped to find a better way round on the other side, and that I did not mind going farther if the path were only less steep.

 This was just an excuse for my laziness; and when the others had already reached a considerable height I was still wandering in the valleys. I had failed to find an easier path, and had only increased the distance and difficulty of the ascent. At last I became disgusted with the intricate way I had chosen, and resolved to ascend without more ado. When I reached my brother, who, while waiting for me, had had ample opportunity for rest, I was tired and irritated. 

We walked along together for a time, but hardly had we passed the first spur when I forgot about the circuitous route which I had just tried, and took a lower one again. Once more I followed an easy, roundabout path through winding valleys, only to find myself soon in my old difficulty. I was simply trying to avoid the exertion of the ascent; but no human ingenuity can alter the nature of things, or cause anything to reach a height by going down. Suffice it to say that, much to my vexation and my brother's amusement, I made this same mistake three times or more during a few hours."

Monsieur Petrarch taught us a great lesson during his journey up this mountainside and I always find the story liberating to read as I imagine myself jumping between the two options of taking the easier road or sticking it out and making it to the top of the mountain without causing myself much more grief. 

Sources: http://petrarch.petersadlon.com/read_letters.html?s=pet17.html

My little piece of Faith

I wanted to write some wonderful update that would gladden the hearts of my readers and maybe even bring a little more gratitude into my heart for all that I have in my life. Each time I considered what I could say nothing really profound formed into a beautiful piece of work. 

Last night I was reading Elder Jeffrey R Holland's talk "Broken Things to Mend". He described the battle Peter had as the savior beckoned him to come out to meet him upon the water. As I read his paraphrase of the story I felt like I was Peter and I want to share my experience in Peter's shoes. Please enjoy. 

I stand at the waters edge barely hanging on. My heart is broken, my body is tired, my emotions are spent, and deep inside I feel that every resource I have available to me has been exhausted to keep me a float and moving forward. All to no avail. I cannot find the peace and comfort I seek. 

Into the distance across the choppy white cap waves and blackness of the water I see him standing before me. Still, firm, and unwavering. His hands are outstretched as he beckons to me to take a step out into the cool dark waters of uncertainty. Logically I know I cannot walk upon the water. I will sink and drown but my faith…my faith nudges me a little to consider the blessings of taking a step out into the unknown toward him. 

Just at that moment the waves crash against my little boat and I feel myself swaying back and forth. I fall to my knees pleading for some kind of relief. I turn every direction but no one is there to help me. 

I cry out angrily. “How could you take the things that I love away from me?” 

In my tears I feel the anger building inside and the soft pliability of my heart slowly harden like a cooling piece of molten metal. 

“I can’t trust myself anymore”, I yell. 

I don’t know what to do. 

I feel my soul continuing to break apart sending shooting pains of anguish within my very being. I am tired and broken. 

Back down on my knees with the little piece of strength I have left I look out into the hopeless night again. The waves, still tossing and churning in a sea of turmoil distract me and cause me to question my faith. 

“I can’t walk upon the water.” I yell. 

I feel the tears forming in my eyes again: warm stinging tears. 

“I just can’t do it.” 

Just as my last drop of strength felt as if it were spent I caught site of him again there out within the darkness. Still standing. Still radiating the warmth, peace, and safety I yearn to feel again. Still reaching out beckoning me to come. 

I’ve got to make a choice. Today. Should I come to him or should I stay here and continue on downward into a dismal and hopeless abyss that I will never find relief. 

I call out from the depths of my very soul pleading with him from across the water. 

“Please Lord, show me the way to thee. Guide my feet and give me the strength that I need to faithfully come unto thee across this tumultuous sea. I know thee. I know that you can show me how to find peace again.” 

I so desired to cast my baggage and belongings to the side of my tiny vessel. 

"I don't need them." I thought. 

I so desperately want to give them to him. "Will you take my burdens, my worries, my unsettling emotions, and broken heart? I cannot bare them anymore." 

Feebly I make it out across the water. At his feet I cast on him my every care and fall to my knees. Shaken and weak. I notice the scars marking his feet and when he reaches his hands down to lift me up I feel them in his hands. 

"What is this?" I ask myself. 

Without another thought I realize these marks were for me. 

"I did this for thee." He said. "...that you might not suffer as I have suffered if you would come unto me." "I have often called out to thee to come but you have not come but I have always been here waiting for you." 

Inside I feel the anguish in my soul. The tears start again but these tears are remorseful. They are still warm and salty but do not sting anymore. The venom of my pain is slowly dissipating as I continue to come unto him. 

 I still fight my feelings. I fight everyday as I seek him for the strength to make me whole again. To fill my soul with peace again and trust that he is in control now. Oh my savior. You were always there for me.

Love + Faith = healing a Broken heart

My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago tomorrow and can I tell you it was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

 I know people often use absolutes like that but honestly I can compare it to any number of things such as losing my close grandmother, my dad going in for heart surgery and my grandmother passing away all while I was 6 hours away in a different end of the state with no way to comfort the ones I loved,  being the only member of my family not in the temple when my brother and his wife were sealed to one another, my cat dying, my best friend moving away, the news that I would have to spend 1 ½ more years in St. George before I could move, learning that I didn’t get the job I had so desperately wanted after searching for 6 months, and the list goes on. None of these things compared to what I felt. All I can say is it was the deepest, most bleak, and hopeless feelings of emotional pain my physical body could with stand without breaking.

From this description you might assume that I was pretty serious with this guy and that was not the case. I have pondered on my reaction frequently over the last week.  My only conclusion is that emotionally and therefore physically I was already a bit low (I experience depression every so often) and that physical state coupled with my break up was enough to send me down that painful rode. Nonetheless this post is not about the breakup as much as it is about my healing heart.

I have wanted love for so long that when I finally got the opportunity for it develop my heart soared knowing that finally… oh finally, finally,.. F I N A L L Y  I had the chance. I wanted companionship: someone I could share my hopes, dreams, sorrows, frustruations, and happy moments with. I wanted someone who would be there for me. Who could hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. I know I am not alone in my feelings. I remember going to class where most of the girls are married or dating someone (in my program) feeling like I was one of them. For the first time I was one of those girls (to some degree). Oh, I just couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. The best was those random moments when I remembered I had a boyfriend and not just any boyfriend one I liked and wanted to be with.  Oh the smiles that erupted on my face many times upon that realization.

Now, in contrast I feel like the married wife who desperately wants a child and who with the help of the best medical aide possible as well as lots of praying and fasting cannot have a baby I also feel like the child with a severe peanut butter allergy who can’t be like a normal child at lunch and sit with the other kids because the risk of being exposed to peanuts is too great. Or I feel like the middle aged young woman with a physical or medical problems that make normal life impossible. I feel like I can’t be normal: I can’t have what I so desperately want.  

I remember thinking this and immediately I remembered a talk I had read recently by President Eyring from the October 2012 General Conference titled: “Where is the Pavillion?” President Eyring retells his daughter-in-laws experience with fertility issues and how hard it was for her to be different. She found herself surrounded by reminders of that very think in which she wanted and at times those who had it didn’t even appreciate it or want it.

I want to quote the next part of the story because it is expressed so well by President Eyring: “

Hoping to lift her spirits, her husband invited her to join him on a business trip to California. While he attended meetings, she walked along the beautiful, empty beach. Her heart ready to burst, she prayed aloud. For the first time, she asked not for another child but for a divine errand. “Heavenly Father,” she cried, “I will give you all of my time; please show me how to fill it.” She expressed her willingness to take her family wherever they might be required to go. That prayer produced an unexpected feeling of peace. It did not satisfy her mind’s craving for certainty, but for the first time in years, it calmed her heart.

 Within weeks they were expecting a child but the important message of this story was that she submitted FULLY to heaven’s will and removed the “spiritual pavilion” that was covering her.

I remember thinking that I needed to follow her example and seek to do the will of the Lord. I found comfort in this knowledge. I found myself asking the question: “How can I put the Lord first?” Many things have come to mind: service, prayer, scripture study, attending the temple, visiting teaching, giving my all in my calling in the ward, etc. I felt like I needed to show my heavenly father that I trust him and would be willing to give up things of lesser importance for the things of God. Which for me are the things that will bring me the greatest happiness.

So even though I am still different and surrounded by people experiencing that which I so desperately want I can’t lose hope. I have to choose today what I want for myself tomorrow and by so doing preparing myself and fitting myself so that I will be ready to enjoy the tomorrow that I want.

I am still searching, working, and healing. My journey to my promised land is not over but is ahead of me stretching out for an unknown amount of time but I do know that everything will work out. I do know that the Lord answers prayers and LOVES each and everyone of his children. That includes me, Chelsey, his daughter.