Gotta love me!

Caution: This post is blunt and involves a great deal of self-disclosure but I hope it can help other people get to know me and maybe even themselves better. Here is to hope! :)

 I had a realization today that I feel could be related to exercising and/or gaining a testimony. I have struggled with my weight all of my life. But not until I was in the 7th grade did I realize how much of an issue it was. At that point I decided I needed to take charge and over the next few years into high school I "healthified" myself you could say... well I lost weight if you want to get technical.
         It was one of the hardest periods in my life. Not only was I dealing with the difficulties of adolescence I was trying to change habits and perceptions of myself and others. I think often back on that time of my life and I am so grateful for my hard work and the good habits and perseverance it instilled in me but it did not come without a price. This is the part that I find most revealing about myself and there are times I reflect on it with a great deal of pity. Everyone needs something to motivate them to make changes to whatever degree or magnitude they may be. I was motivated by love or rather a lack of it. I wanted so much to be loved and not from the people you would imagine. I wanted to date, I wanted to feel beautiful, and most of all I just wanted that amazing connection you get with someone of the opposite sex. You know that intellectual and spiritual all encompassing connection where you feel like someone gets you and appreciates the fact that although you are imperfect your imperfections make you who you are. Someone who fosters within you feelings of appreciation and a deep abiding desire to better. Of course I wanted to cuddle and kiss and hold hands but I truly just wanted something I didn't feel I could have without losing weight. Now I know at this point some people might be thinking that my problem was a lack of self-esteem and most likely that was part of it but it wasn't the reason I wanted to change so much.
         I fought myself to change and it took me years but once I reached what I thought I wanted nothing really changed. Yeah, I guess I got the attention I wanted but never did I find that connection I was seeking for. From then on I continued to see myself as a constant challenge to overcome. I had to maintain my weight amid everything else I struggled with in my life over the next few years: college, new jobs, moving away for school, making new friends, health problems that exacerbated my, then present, struggle to stay the same physically, and my more recent battle with finding a job over a 6 month period of time while lacking projects, tasks, and motivation to keep me busy and living. Then came the more interesting part of my life. I learned more about love: I don't remember the specific day but I do remember thinking to myself, "You are amazing, beautiful, and have the potential to inspire other people to live to their fullest potential." Something to that effect anyway. :)
       Don't think that from that day I never struggled again. Trust me I have looked at myself in the mirror and judged my reflection with the most venomous critique wishing I was the weight I used to be and that my pants fit me the way they used to but I didn't stop living just because I had gained weight. I don't like the fact that I could be nearing a double chin and that my pants just don't look as snazzy on as they used to.
      Our society has bred an unobtainable standard of beauty and health. We say that you are moral if you are thin. (I got that from one of my nutrition classes). We face so many obstacles as a society. Among these are economic problems, climate changes that ebb and flow more like the ups and downs of an intense roller coaster, and the current obesity epidemic. Many of these issues are not very well understood because of their complexity. I want people to understand that. I wish they knew that being overweight, obese, and morbidly obese is a complex problem that cannot be treated with a simple dose of diet and exercise.
      I know that my friends are my friends because of who I am, what we are together, and who we help each other become. One of my greatest fears is that people will look at me if I have gained weight and subconsciously think, "Wow! What happened to her? Did she let herself go?" Therefore subconsciously diminishing my value and efficacy as a person.
      Lastly, I can't change what people think of me or how they treat me. I can't change the things that make it hard for me to be who I want to be but I can change what I think of myself. A thought is the first prerequisite to action. Act with purpose and with integrity.

My awesome weekend with Meplissa

I learned how to unicycle this weekend from one of Melissa's friends. He taught us the basics and then let us go and I tell you what unicycling is hard work. My thighs were on fire but it was so fun balancing on one wheel. That is before I actually pedaled. The pedaling was rough work and I kept, as Shawn and Melissa would say, "[I] got scared at the dead zone". That is probably not the most accurate quotation but that is what they said and I am sticking with it. Writing a blog feels a lot like writing in a journal so if my posts sound like I am talking to or laughing at myself I am doing both. Ha-ha. 

Melissa and I also competed in a race on the wii. Ha-ha. The funny part is the whole time I was watching her little guy run. I kept running faster but he wouldn't pick up the pace so I thought it was a problem with the wii mote. Nope, it was just me. Haha. We ran up a storm though. The other competitors didn't know what hit them. That is what happens when you mess with Meplissa and Chelpsey. 

Oh and Melissa's mom made some of the most delicious meals: tomato soup (homemade) and chicken pot pie. Whoa! I had to cook dinner for myself tonight and opted not to because I couldn't live up to her  delicious food. :) 

Hopefully photos will be posted later.