Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Love + Faith = healing a Broken heart


My boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago tomorrow and can I tell you it was one of the most painful experiences of my life.

 I know people often use absolutes like that but honestly I can compare it to any number of things such as losing my close grandmother, my dad going in for heart surgery and my grandmother passing away all while I was 6 hours away in a different end of the state with no way to comfort the ones I loved,  being the only member of my family not in the temple when my brother and his wife were sealed to one another, my cat dying, my best friend moving away, the news that I would have to spend 1 ½ more years in St. George before I could move, learning that I didn’t get the job I had so desperately wanted after searching for 6 months, and the list goes on. None of these things compared to what I felt. All I can say is it was the deepest, most bleak, and hopeless feelings of emotional pain my physical body could with stand without breaking.

From this description you might assume that I was pretty serious with this guy and that was not the case. I have pondered on my reaction frequently over the last week.  My only conclusion is that emotionally and therefore physically I was already a bit low (I experience depression every so often) and that physical state coupled with my break up was enough to send me down that painful rode. Nonetheless this post is not about the breakup as much as it is about my healing heart.

I have wanted love for so long that when I finally got the opportunity for it develop my heart soared knowing that finally… oh finally, finally,.. F I N A L L Y  I had the chance. I wanted companionship: someone I could share my hopes, dreams, sorrows, frustruations, and happy moments with. I wanted someone who would be there for me. Who could hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. I know I am not alone in my feelings. I remember going to class where most of the girls are married or dating someone (in my program) feeling like I was one of them. For the first time I was one of those girls (to some degree). Oh, I just couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. The best was those random moments when I remembered I had a boyfriend and not just any boyfriend one I liked and wanted to be with.  Oh the smiles that erupted on my face many times upon that realization.

Now, in contrast I feel like the married wife who desperately wants a child and who with the help of the best medical aide possible as well as lots of praying and fasting cannot have a baby I also feel like the child with a severe peanut butter allergy who can’t be like a normal child at lunch and sit with the other kids because the risk of being exposed to peanuts is too great. Or I feel like the middle aged young woman with a physical or medical problems that make normal life impossible. I feel like I can’t be normal: I can’t have what I so desperately want.  

I remember thinking this and immediately I remembered a talk I had read recently by President Eyring from the October 2012 General Conference titled: “Where is the Pavillion?” President Eyring retells his daughter-in-laws experience with fertility issues and how hard it was for her to be different. She found herself surrounded by reminders of that very think in which she wanted and at times those who had it didn’t even appreciate it or want it.
I want to quote the next part of the story because it is expressed so well by President Eyring: “
Hoping to lift her spirits, her husband invited her to join him on a business trip to California. While he attended meetings, she walked along the beautiful, empty beach. Her heart ready to burst, she prayed aloud. For the first time, she asked not for another child but for a divine errand. “Heavenly Father,” she cried, “I will give you all of my time; please show me how to fill it.” She expressed her willingness to take her family wherever they might be required to go. That prayer produced an unexpected feeling of peace. It did not satisfy her mind’s craving for certainty, but for the first time in years, it calmed her heart.
 Within weeks they were expecting a child but the important message of this story was that she submitted FULLY to heaven’s will and removed the “spiritual pavilion” that was covering her.
I remember thinking that I needed to follow her example and seek to do the will of the Lord. I found comfort in this knowledge. I found myself asking the question: “How can I put the Lord first?” Many things have come to mind: service, prayer, scripture study, attending the temple, visiting teaching, giving my all in my calling in the ward, etc. I felt like I needed to show my heavenly father that I trust him and would be willing to give up things of lesser importance for the things of God. Which for me are the things that will bring me the greatest happiness.

So even though I am still different and surrounded by people experiencing that which I so desperately want I can’t lose hope. I have to choose today what I want for myself tomorrow and by so doing preparing myself and fitting myself so that I will be ready to enjoy the tomorrow that I want.

I am still searching, working, and healing. My journey to my promised land is not over but is ahead of me stretching out for an unknown amount of time but I do know that everything will work out. I do know that the Lord answers prayers and LOVES each and everyone of his children. That includes me, Chelsey, his daughter.



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