I have spent an exceedingly large amount of time thinking
about the most recent trial of my life that I am still recovering from. I
recently received the book Hard Times and Holy Places by Kristin Warner
Belcher. The gift was definitely a tender mercy. In this book she relates her
life experience with retinoblastoma. The cancer that ended up taking her site
in her middle age. She talked about her questioning why God would have her go
through so much pain repeatedly throughout her life. Sometimes, just like many
of us she did not have the strength in herself to continue to move forward.
During these times she did what she had to and that was relying on the power of
the atonement. Through the Savior’s atonement we can bare our burdens. All of
them whether they take us to the breaking point and beyond. He is there. Why
would he ask her to suffer through something that would break her completely?
She wondered this and now I find myself wondering the same thing.
Last night I was in tears. Complete tears as I drove my car
around my usual route as I prayed aloud to my Heavenly Father with tears
streaming down my face and confusion in my voice. I was pleading once again for
his help. I had nowhere else to turn. No one else knew the answers, at least noone
else but him. During this time I asked him why. Why had he asked me to trust
him completely, more than he had ever asked me to trust him? My heart had
healed and yet again he had asked me to trust him with no tangible evidence
that my trust wasn’t in vain. I was hurting and I know he knew it. He has been
there with me every step of the way but despite that he still asks me to suffer
something that would break me. I hope you understand what I mean when I say
break. It is more than merely snapping a twig apart it is the dismantling of
your heart piece by piece.
This morning I pondered once more on my predicament as I
arose from my bed not wanting to feel what I hoped my sleep would wash away.
But from that pain I was caused to wonder why it was that of all the things he
could ask me to suffer it was the one thing that would hurt me the most. I know
that sounds cruel. It sounds inhumanely cruel to bestow upon your child a
challenge, the one challenge that exploits the deepest desires and treasures of
their heart. Knowing that it will break them to pieces. I think it is because
this is the only way to make me grow. To grow into something that, as I
experienced, my heart breaking apart was the sunlight, water, and soil to my
growth and rise to something greater than I am.
What I am saying is there is a purpose. There is always a
purpose. If we can remember that we are truly his children I believe that we
can find what we need in him to move forward and with the aide of the atonement
heal.
I read a blog this evening that got me thinking. Our trials,
in this situation my most difficult trial, is/are meant to bring us to Christ.
I wonder why? Why is it so important that we come unto Christ? What will coming
unto Christ do to us and for us? He doesn’t need us to come unto him. We need
it. So here I am leaving you with that thought for the day.
