My sunlight, water, and soil

I have spent an exceedingly large amount of time thinking about the most recent trial of my life that I am still recovering from. I recently received the book Hard Times and Holy Places by Kristin Warner Belcher. The gift was definitely a tender mercy. In this book she relates her life experience with retinoblastoma. The cancer that ended up taking her site in her middle age. She talked about her questioning why God would have her go through so much pain repeatedly throughout her life. Sometimes, just like many of us she did not have the strength in herself to continue to move forward. During these times she did what she had to and that was relying on the power of the atonement. Through the Savior’s atonement we can bare our burdens. All of them whether they take us to the breaking point and beyond. He is there. Why would he ask her to suffer through something that would break her completely? She wondered this and now I find myself wondering the same thing.

Last night I was in tears. Complete tears as I drove my car around my usual route as I prayed aloud to my Heavenly Father with tears streaming down my face and confusion in my voice. I was pleading once again for his help. I had nowhere else to turn. No one else knew the answers, at least noone else but him. During this time I asked him why. Why had he asked me to trust him completely, more than he had ever asked me to trust him? My heart had healed and yet again he had asked me to trust him with no tangible evidence that my trust wasn’t in vain. I was hurting and I know he knew it. He has been there with me every step of the way but despite that he still asks me to suffer something that would break me. I hope you understand what I mean when I say break. It is more than merely snapping a twig apart it is the dismantling of your heart piece by piece.

This morning I pondered once more on my predicament as I arose from my bed not wanting to feel what I hoped my sleep would wash away. But from that pain I was caused to wonder why it was that of all the things he could ask me to suffer it was the one thing that would hurt me the most. I know that sounds cruel. It sounds inhumanely cruel to bestow upon your child a challenge, the one challenge that exploits the deepest desires and treasures of their heart. Knowing that it will break them to pieces. I think it is because this is the only way to make me grow. To grow into something that, as I experienced, my heart breaking apart was the sunlight, water, and soil to my growth and rise to something greater than I am.

What I am saying is there is a purpose. There is always a purpose. If we can remember that we are truly his children I believe that we can find what we need in him to move forward and with the aide of the atonement heal.

I read a blog this evening that got me thinking. Our trials, in this situation my most difficult trial, is/are meant to bring us to Christ. I wonder why? Why is it so important that we come unto Christ? What will coming unto Christ do to us and for us? He doesn’t need us to come unto him. We need it. So here I am leaving you with that thought for the day.