The beginning of the week began with tears and anxiety. Everything in my life was hard. Everything. Everywhere I turned I faced a challenged that required every bit of me. I felt like I was drowning. I wept many times on my bedroom floor from the very depths of my soul. (This is definitely not the first time I have done that this year). I couldn't do it by myself and I repeated those words in prayer constantly.
Monday started early and was filled with so many tasks to complete and difficulties to face that I wondered how in the world I was going to do it. I felt like I didn't want to even try but I decided I must continue to move forward so I did the best I could. Words can't describe what anxiety I felt. I wanted to understand my accounting homework and I wasn't. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't. I asked my brothers and my friends for help and their efforts were sufficient but my confidence in my abilities to do well in this class were floundering. On top of that I had a test in this class on Friday that I HAD to do well on. Just when I thought that was enough my frustration with men and dating dropped itself onto the dead weight already laden upon my shoulders.
I have wanted to be free for so long and I felt like no matter how hard I tried that freedom was withheld from me. Then just when I least expected it these frustrations slapped me in the face. I cried, I think it was the timing and the stress I had recently put on myself that made the situation such a painful one. At this point I didn't know what to do. My brain hurt, my body hurt, and my emotions battered what was left of me. Thankfully a friend, whom I love and feel so blessed to have in my life, listened to me and gave me the encouragement I needed to keep moving forward with the mounting difficulties about me. She understood what I felt.
As the week progressed I continued to move forward like a live tree carrying the heavy weight of dead limbs as I continued to try to live. My faith in my Heavenly Father and in his plan for me buoyed me up and kept me afloat.
The whole reason I tell this story is because today I took my accounting exam. The event that caused me so much anxiety and pain had finally passed and I feel good about it. I look back on everything I have experienced this past week and feel like a mountain climber who has finally reached the summit of Everest. My pain and difficulty were not in vain and now I can see the beautiful sunrise within the wispy white clouds of the morning. I endured and I feel the conquerer and better for my efforts. It is not what we face that makes us stronger it is the journey that we endure that cultivates and builds such strength. Never have faced a trial head on and said "Oh well that was fun I think I should do it again." But neither have we looked back in regret that we came so far and accomplished so much. We are who we are and where we are because of what we have endured. This is right where we need to be.
I have a testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and I know that if we endure well (with our hearts to the best of our efforts) the difficulties of life we will be blessed. I feel that one of the greatest blessings is what we become as a result. As it always is.
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